[after Jeremy bangs his head on the XPower SV's door frame during a hard maneuver]
Richard: I could watch that all day! Who'd like to see it in slow motion?

[After Jeremy completes his ride comfort with eggs test, he wipes the egg from his hair using the driver's seat of Richard's car].
Jeremy: [voiceover] ... Except I was desperately needed to wash my hair.
Richard: Oh get off Jeremy! That's disgus...ting [Jeremy is now standing up.]
Jeremy: What I have just done is I've wiped my hair on a seat that's 30 years old and has had some Midlander's bottom on it!

[After Jeremy has driven the Ferrari 599 GTO]
James: You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.
Jeremy: It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?
James: What, from the Pink Panther?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.
Jeremy: It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.
James: Not now, Cato.
Jeremy: It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.

[After Jeremy has shown him clips of his practise in the Zonda]
James: I know what the problem is: it's my hair. [Jeremy scoffs] No, really. When you get up to speed my hair flaps about and gets in the way. When I put that white helmet on, it was much better!

[After Jeremy pulls up to May and Hammond with his lorry trailer on fire]
Richard: How can we be this rubbish?

[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]
Richard: You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.
Jeremy: [apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?
Richard: Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did.
Jeremy: God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Richard: Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Jeremy and James: Yeah.
Richard: Well, that's the way we want to go.
Jeremy: Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Richard: Well, I'm aware of it.
Jeremy: Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
Richard: That's really bad, isn't it.
Jeremy: That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
Richard: And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?
Jeremy: We are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.
James: Sounds like a plan.
Jeremy: So the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.

[after learning James and Jeremy plan to rocket a mini down a ski slope]
Richard: I am staying!

[After learning that Richard and James lost]
Jeremy: Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
Richard: [faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
James: Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Richard: Which is...
James: Japanese for...
Both: Oh cock!

[After losing a race to a downhill biker in Lisbon]
James: Permission to say "Oh, cock" on BBC Two.

[after pausing the playback of his escape-from-a-sinking-car film]
Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.

[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
Richard: [voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
Jeremy: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Richard: [to James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
Jeremy: OH YES!
Richard: [expressing annoyance] Oh God...

[After receiving a text, ostensibly a reply from Kristin Scott Thomas]
Jeremy: It says, "You know about the restraining order, that includes texts. I've called the poo lice!" [He looks nervous]

[after revealing Simon Cowell has beaten Gordon Ramsay for first place on the Celebrity Lap Time Board.]
Jeremy: And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Simon: Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.

[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
Richard: [Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
James: God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
Richard: [Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
Jeremy: [Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Yes!
Jeremy: My turbo!
Richard: It is a low-pressure turbo.
Jeremy: [To James] What have you got?
James: I've got a Golf.
Jeremy: Has it got a turbo?
James: No.
Richard: [Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
Jeremy: What is that?
Richard: That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
James: Not on this one.
Richard: No, not on this particular one.
Jeremy: So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Both: Yes.
Jeremy: [Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!