James: [after hearing it's now illegal to retune a radio while driving] I can't listen to an episode of the Archers in the car without losing my temper, and having a crash... deliberately... to end it.

James: [in the museum gift shop, as a general question] Do you have like a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes?

James: Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?
Series 10

James: It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired, he's slower than me!

James: Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?
Jeremy: [pointing at Richard] He does.
Richard: Yes, all right. I just knew...
James: All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
Jeremy: I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
James: Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Richard: Just measure them?
James: So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
Richard: So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
Jeremy: No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Richard: Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.

James: This is a road car, and I'm up to 404... 405, come on!

James: This is Germany, there are procedures to go through... I like procedures.

Jeremy: ...and it has air conditioning, unlike the ones in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [imitates mouse coughing]

Jeremy: ...how hard can it be?
Richard: Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread every time you say the words "How hard can it be?"

Jeremy: [chasing May with a pitchfork] May! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!

Jeremy: [on Richard's pick-up truck] You saw Brokeback Mountain and thought "I want a piece of that life." Not that piece, I'll have the pick-up truck.

Jeremy: [on the 1.0L Fiat Panda he has chosen to turn into a limousine] Interestingly is the fact that this car doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald And if Gerald runs round in his wheel very very quickly he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.

Jeremy: [Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.
Richard: This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
Jeremy: [Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
James: Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
Richard: He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!

Jeremy: [To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?
Car Dealer: A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
Jeremy: I'll be murdered.
Car Dealer: Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
Jeremy: He's not joking!
Car Dealer: It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
Jeremy: [takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
Car Dealer: Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
Jeremy: [to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.): Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
Jeremy: You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
Robert: The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Jeremy: Why, by someone buying a car?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: HE killed the guy?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
Robert: Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Jeremy: Hammond.
Richard: Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Jeremy: Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
Richard: [looks panicked] What?
Jeremy: Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy] Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?
[cut to Richard, confused]: Is it south or north of 79th street? I can't go.
[cut to Richard walking along a street] (voiceover) Richard: I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th street itself.

Jeremy: [while carrying a tortoise off the road] Urgh! Don't do that, tortoise! [Drops tortoise]