[Talking about the Porsche Boxster Spyder's "clever" gearbox]
Richard: It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*
Jeremy: Is it German?
Richard: It's a German name, it's really complicated..
Jeremy: Oh God..
Richard: So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.
[Talking about a long German word for a gearbox]
Jeremy: Do you know what that means? You speak German.
James: I do.
Jeremy: What's the only German you can say?
James: Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.
Jeremy: What's that mean?
James: "Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."
Richard: Ok...
[Audience laughs]
James: I use it all the time.

[At the beginning of the news]
James: At first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.
Jeremy: Yes.
James: But Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.
Jeremy: Are you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?
James: Well I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
Jeremy: James, James, the Queen is German.
James: Yes.
Jeremy: You can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?
James: Well, I do actually.
Richard: Yes, he does...

[During the news]
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!

[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
Jeremy: [Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Jeremy: Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
James: [off-screen] Clarkson!!
Jeremy: [trying to sound innocent] What?
James: I know it's you!
Richard: [in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
Jeremy: We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!
Richard: [nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Jeremy: Where's May?
James: Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
Richard: AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
James: Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]

[During the discussion on the new Jaguar XJ]
James: Come on! Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It's the new XJ; the important question is �Is it a proper Jag?��
Jeremy: Now what you mean is �Is this car slightly caddish?�� Is that what you actually mean?
James: (nods) Yes.
Jeremy: Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what's the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it's the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it's okay because he's got a �Jaaaaag.��
(Everyone laughs)
Richard: That's the Jag driver; he'd get away with anything! (Changes tone) I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my �Jaaaaag.��
(Crowd laughs)
James: Is it fair to say? Do you think that no �Jaaaaag�� driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice likeable way?
Jeremy: Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: I bet eighty percent have got �Jaaaaags.�� (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
Jeremy:You got a Jag? Who here's got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
Richard: Yup, he's a Jag driver.
Jeremy: He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... �Awfully sorry...��
Richard: ... bit of an issue with the wallet.
Jeremy: �Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the �Jaaaaag?��

[during the news]
Jeremy: As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
James: I did.
Jeremy: What?
James: I did.
Jeremy: You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
James: Yeah, I got her a power drill.
Richard: James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
James: Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
Jeremy: No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
James: Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Richard: Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Jeremy: Oho!
James: Hah!
Jeremy: Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Richard: Well, it is! It's just -
Jeremy: Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Richard: Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
Jeremy: However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Richard: Yep.
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"

Jeremy: But -- but I think there is a problem with this car... because they've called it... The Growler.
[laughter from the audience]
Richard: Yeah. Now... now, we... we... we Googled growler [laughter] and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked by what it turns out to mean.
Jeremy: And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?
Richard: Well, you know those... big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? [laughter]
Jeremy: That's what it is!
Richard: Yeah.
James: Why would you name your car after that?
Jeremy: Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever they are. This is the first time they've realised that growler means that in England. And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! Wolfgang, ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"
[laughter from Richard and the audience]
James: Look, the car, the Growler... is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats?
Jeremy: No, you can't get in the back.
[brief pause then laughter from Richard and the audience applauses]
Jeremy: Everybody's turned over to Countryfile.
Richard: What? What?!
James: I'm not, uh, I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.
Jeremy: No, neither do I. There's another reason why. It costs £670,000.
Richard: Ouch!
Jeremy: Yeah. There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... [laughter] just for the Brazilian market.
Richard: I'm sorry. It's called a Growler.
James: There's a bloke at some point who is going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."
[laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience]
Jeremy: Wax the Growler.
Richard: Oh, you dirty bugger!

[In Albania]
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".

[during the news]
James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
Jeremy: It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?
James: Because I like it.
Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
Richard: He does have a point there. He does...
Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!
Richard: Let's move on!

[During the Val Thorens race...]
Jeremy: [Voiceover] Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying.
[Cuts to Panis]
Panis: What is this shitbox?! What is this car? A Morris?

Jeremy: [on the 1.0L Fiat Panda he has chosen to turn into a limousine] Interestingly is the fact that this car doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald And if Gerald runs round in his wheel very very quickly he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.

[Trying to adjust the settings in the Maserati Quattroporte GTS]
James: Manual, semi-automatic... oh, these are the weapons! [In the back, Jeremy and Richard laugh]

Jeremy: Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
James: Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Jeremy: Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
James: What!
Jeremy: It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
Richard: [produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
James: [holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
Richard: No!
Jeremy: James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Richard: Has it got four rings on it?
Jeremy: Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
Richard: Thank you
Jeremy: It's all gone horribly wrong.

Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70--
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--
Jeremy: What, is it black or white?
James: --is an absolute.
Jeremy: How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
Richard: You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
Jeremy: No, cube their heads!
Richard: Get up five minutes earlier.
Jeremy: I haven't got five minutes!
James: It's not five minutes anyway.
Jeremy: It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
Jeremy: Congratulations for--
Jesus: Thank you.
Jeremy: It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
Jesus: No, I go the back way.
Jeremy: Because of that [the roadworks]?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
Jesus: Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Jeremy: Ten minutes a day? That's--
Jesus: I ride a donkey each way.
Jeremy: Each way, five days a week?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
Jesus: That's right.
Richard: Now that is a small point, that--
Jeremy: Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Jeremy: Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

Jeremy: If you are a German and you have any complains of the film you just seen do please feel free to write to us. Our address is: 1966 El Alamein Square, 1939-1945 Jutland Street, London W.E.1.
Series 12