Coast Guard pilot over radio: Please state your intentions.
Jeremy: Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
Coast Guard pilot over radio: In that case, I wish you the best of luck.

Hamilton: It is actually quite exciting when you're flying headfirst into a barrier - the initial part, the initial part is actually quite fun, especially when you hit the gravel trap and you get some air, and then you see it coming and you think 'erk - it's gonna hurt!'

James: [after losing to the cyclists at Budapest] Oh, cock! In Hungarian.

James: [before the Fiat 500 vs. BMX race in Budapest, James talks about his competition, a pair of BMX cyclists] These wasters just ride around all day like those kids in the ET film. So to borrow the phrase from the ancient philosopher Clarksonius, 4th Century BC: "How hard can it be?"

James: [James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.
Jeremy: No!
James: Brilliantly interesting [points to the Opel] brilliantly stylish [points to the Lancia Beta] but stupid.
Richard: But...
Jeremy: Why's mine stupid?
Richard: Wha...where is yours? [James points to behind him] Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.

James: [reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
Jeremy: That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
James: In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
Jeremy: What about the honey badger?
Richard: The what?
Jeremy: The honey badger.
James: That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
Jeremy: A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
Richard: It does not!
James: Why's it called the honey badger?
Richard: Exactly!
Jeremy: That's what's made it angry.
Richard: Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"

James: [to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
Jeremy: What?
James: Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
Jeremy: I know exactly what he's doing.
James: He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
Jeremy: It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]

James: Actually, it's a good point, because my dad had three of those, and none of the doors ever fell off.
Jeremy: No, it's not Rover's fault. They were built brilliantly.
Richard: In fact, I seem to remember that at the time, the SD1 was often praised for the way its... back doors... stayed on.
Jeremy: Exactly!

James: Can I just say...
Jeremy: What?
James: You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
Jeremy: No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.

James: It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
Jeremy: [points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Richard: Jeremy!
Jeremy: [points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Richard: Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.

James: Whatever you do, don't do downstairs and look at the car. It's got no front end. No lights, no radiator, no bumper, no splitter, no front of the engine, no bonnet. That fuel pump thing is right in the bowels of the thing. They've got the whole front off. It's like trying to repair something in France from this end of the Channel Tunnel.
[Jeremy and Richard come downstairs to the garage]

James: You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?
Jeremy: No I'm not. I know who did this.
Richard: Who?
Jeremy: Fifth Gear.
[...]
Richard: D'you think they're a bit jealous?
Jeremy: Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Richard: Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
Jeremy: That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.

Jeremy: [haltingly consulting the instruction manual of his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, which is in Italian] Consola centrale con... interatore aperture sportello... rifornimento. [translating] "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."

Jeremy: [narrating, about the Okavango Delta] This is where amateur cameramen come to make a name for themselves with Attenborough. But unfortunately, our film crew are best, really, with cars.
[There is footage of the crew making poor attempts to film the wildlife as they pass]
Jeremy: [speaking into his radio] If we ever do a show called "the back end of an animal..."
Richard: [mimicking announcer] This week, on "Too Late to Look..."

Jeremy: [reading challenge] "The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel drive cars because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it. You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel drive cars from here, at Botswana's Eastern border with Zimbabwe..." [points at armed border guards] which is there... "1000 miles to its Western border with Namibia. That's right across the spine of Africa."
[Awkward silence]
James: I'm confident.