Jeremy: [singing badly] Weeeeeee're all going daahn the pub! (aping a Sham 69 song)

Jeremy: [to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?
Richard: I do, actually.

Jeremy: [voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy: I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
James: Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard: I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy: Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James:[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
Jeremy: [voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy:[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James: [coughs heavily]
Jeremy: I've got every single 1920's disease.

Jeremy: [watching Fiona Bruce walk away from the P50] She has got quite a nice bottom. ... I said that out loud, didn't I.

Jeremy: Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Jeremy: Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
Richard: What! What do you do with it?
Jeremy: I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.

Jeremy: James will be exaggerating... [sees the car] James isn't exaggerating. [we see the car, which has indeed got no front end] And it's leaking. I watch Formula One a lot, and I've never seen a Formula One car, two hours before a race, looking like that.

Jeremy: So! Top Gear top tip: Ah, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf... get a Golf.

Jeremy: This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday-morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilisation.
[cut to Richard]
Richard: OH NOT ANOTHER SET OF SODDING LIGHTS! OH BLOODY HELL! (To pedestrians) Have a nice walk! Enjoy yourself!

Lawrence: [on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
Richard: ....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
Richard: [on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
James: I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.

Lewis Hamilton: It is a bit cold in here though.
Jeremy: It is cold in here, it's sharp.
Hamilton: I'm surprised - I know you guys make a lot of money, can you afford a heater?
Jeremy: [definitively] No. Because we have all the money.

Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.

Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a Golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...

Richard: Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.
Jeremy: I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Richard: Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup!
Jeremy: [also in bad Russian accent] Great success!
Richard: That's a disappointment in your life.

Richard: So, the cars. James?
James: NO.
Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard: Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!