[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]
Richard: [in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
James: [to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
Richard: [into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
James: Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Jeremy: Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[Back in Richard's truck]
Richard: [desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]

[after entering Switzerland, which he refers to as being in the "automotive dark ages"]
Jeremy: The trouble with Switzerland is that they have no tolerance for speed or noise or cars, if Steve McQueen in the Great Escape made the jump into Switzerland, he'd be arrested for reckless driving.

[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
James: I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Richard: Did you not notice the pump was different?
Jeremy: [laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
Richard: [imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: I've got bird flu. Be nice.

[after falling off a hovercraft]
Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]
Jeremy: If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!

[After Hammond's review of the Marcos TSO]
Jeremy: [opening the door of the Marcos TSO] What's this?
Richard: Erm...
Jeremy: [showing what he found] It's a tooth-whitening kit.
Richard: It's a plant! It's a plant!
Jeremy: It was just a theory until a moment ago...

[After injuring himself falling off of the seat of his lorry during the Powerslide challenge]
Jeremy: [to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
Paramedic: Right, okay.
James: [voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...

[After James drives off without Jeremy and Richard]
Jeremy: He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right. Into...
Richard: Zimbabwe!
Jeremy: Yes, Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.
[James' car is seen driving hastily away in the other direction, prompting laughter]

[After James had gone into Hammond's cabin to make tea]
Jeremy: [To James] Oi! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!

[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Jeremy: Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Richard: Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James: [indignantly] That's his normal face!
Jeremy: That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.

[after James overtakes Richard in the 1949 race, Richard calls Jeremy, who is several miles ahead]
Jeremy: Hammond, where are you?
Richard: Um, I'm about thirty miles south of Doncaster.
Jeremy: Oh, dear! We're in York.
Richard: What?!
Jeremy: Where's James?
Richard: He's just overtaken me, but his Jag is drinking fuel, so with a bit of luck, he'll stop for fuel before I do, and I can overtake him again.
Jeremy: Or he'll catch fire?
[Richard hears a tannoy announcement telling him to turn his mobile phone off]
Jeremy: What's that noise?
Richard: It's me being told off not to use a mobile phone by the man.
Jeremy: Go and tell him it's 1949.
Richard: Yes, so we can't have mobile phones.
[as the train starts to pull out of the station, it does a wheelspin]
Jeremy: Yes! That was wheelspin! On a 96-tonne train!
Richard: You're-- That is a steam train, isn't it? It's not got some nuclear device on board as well?
[the train is now on the move again]
Jeremy: [voiceover] No. What it had on board was a fresh crew. And that meant a fresh set of muscles.

[After James tries to compare an F430 with cheese]
Jeremy: Why are you on this programme!?

[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
Richard: James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
Jeremy: YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
James: Thank you.

[after James's 5-series film]
Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
James: It is a superb-looking car.
Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
James: Rubbish.
[...]
James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
James: Right. So you're not having one of those.
Jeremy: No.
James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Jeremy: Uh, no.
James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
Jeremy: I might!
James: No you wouldn't.
Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't.
James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
Jeremy: No.
James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.

[after Jeremy asks a nurse in the audience if she can kill James]
Richard: All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?