[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it stops like a duck on a frozen lake.

[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one... it's fantastic!

[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

[on the Lexus LS300's colour rear-view video camera]
James: You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.

[on the Lexus RX300 ad slogan "It Changes Everything"]
Jeremy: I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.
Richard: And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.
Jeremy: Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?
James: Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.
Jeremy: So that advert must be true.
James: That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo VIII and Version 8 Impreza WRX STi
Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?
[...]
Jeremy: Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."
[...]
Jeremy: Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.

[on the Nissan 350Z]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess. But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America. And the head of the whole project was a chap called Ajay Panchal, who's an Indian. From Leicester. And the engine? Well, that's French. Incongruously, it's the three-and-a-half-litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis.
Jeremy: [at the wheel] We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car. Think of it as being a raw-hamburger curry served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky jus.

[on the Overfinch-modified Range Rover]
Jeremy: It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe. It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.

[on the Porsche 911 Turbo]
James: So you spun it, then.
Jeremy: I spun it slightly.
James: What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."

[On the price of a Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze.

[On the Renault Clio V6]
Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.
[...]
Jeremy: Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.
[...]
Jeremy: I think the problem is that it's... French.
[later, with overdone French accent.]
Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!

[on the Rover Streetwise]
Jeremy: They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it.
Richard: Essentially, yes.
[...]
Jeremy: [consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat...
James: Like a car.
Jeremy: Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units...
Richard: Well, that is clever.
James: Like a car.
Richard: Yeah, yeah.
Jeremy: ... various transmissions, three trim levels...
James: Car-like.
Jeremy: Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."
Richard: They've put some thought into this, haven't they?
Jeremy: "Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission."
James: It's a car.
Jeremy: It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!"
Richard: [impressed] So you can drive out of town as well!
Jeremy: It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?

[on the Smart Roadster's transmission]
Jeremy: The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta-- I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"

[on the Smart Roadster]
Jeremy: In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.