[on the Triumph TR6]
James: What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.
[...]
James: Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.

[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program]
Jeremy: So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -
James: Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?
[...]
Jeremy: I wonder how many they've got?
Richard: Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.

[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."
[trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan]
James: Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.

[on the Volkswagen New Beetle cabrio]
James: All they've got to do is make it in the shape of a proper car and it'll be terrific.

[on the Volkswagen Phaeton]
Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.
[mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious]
Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.

[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats]
Jeremy: It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
[...]
Jeremy: It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.

[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.

[Regarding Clarkson's review of the Hummer H2]
James: You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5?
[...]
Jeremy: Size is important in these things. [beams]
Richard: That's a little harsh.

[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience]
Richard: Oh my Lord.
James: What do you reckon?
Jeremy: He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.

[testing the flappy paddle gearshift in the Citroën C3 Pluriel]
Richard: It's hopeless. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... and now it's changed. And I'm going to select fourth... no... oh! Now I've got it. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?!

[while driving a Bowler Wildcat off-road vehicle]
Richard: I am a driving god!