[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; an Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; and Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic TIE Fighter R.

[Introducing guest Vinnie Jones.]
Jeremy: He would drive a large Mercedes to a fight and occasionally during that fight a game of football might break out.

[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.

[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]
Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
Both : [in unison] The SLR.
Jeremy: The new SLR.
Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Richard: Can you tell us anything about it?
Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
Richard: To your drunken brain at the time.
Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."

[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000]
Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
James: Yes, a space station.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.

[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out]
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.
Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!

[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage]
Richard: It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.

[on Jeremy being told by his auto glass repair people that his Mercedes-Benz had to stay at their shop overnight so the glue on his replacement windscreen could set]
Richard: Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?

[on Sir Michael Gambon]
Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.

[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]
Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.

[on the Alpina Z8]
Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no.
[...]
Jeremy: Getting it round a corner is like trying to get my wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.
[...]
Jeremy: This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.

[on the Daihatsu Copen]
James: You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film, where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand?
Jeremy: No.
James: All right.
Jeremy: But I'm sure it happened, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just don't remember it.
James: OK, well, it's a bit like that. You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks, it's absolutely brilliant.
Richard: Can't say I noticed it myself, I thought it was all right, but, um...
[...]
Jeremy: It's not so much a car as a shoe.

[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual]
James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".