[demonstrating the sense of equanimity to be found in the Jaguar XJR]
Jeremy: This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. And why not? Good luck to you, fella.

[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house]
Jeremy: I presume there's no wife involved in this.
Richard: No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.

[discussing the Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]
Jeremy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?
Richard: I have, yes.
Jeremy: And what happened when you drove this car?
Richard: Well, I crashed it, technically.
Jeremy: Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.
Richard: Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.
James: Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.

[driving the New Beetle with the top down in the rain]
Richard: I'm not sure this was such a smart idea.
James: Why, do you think they just think we're a pair of screaming -
Richard: Well, exactly.
James: Yes.

[during the news]
James: All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.
Richard: It's not really on the cutting edge, is it.
James: Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!

[during the news]
Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?
James: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.
Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?
Richard: But it is a turbo.
Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?
Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -
Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.
Audience: Yes.
Richard: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

[during the news]
Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Richard: Eh?!
Jeremy: I was shot.
Richard: At last!
Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
Richard: What with?
Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.