Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10 Season 11 Season 12 Season 13
Season 14
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Season 17
Season 18
[on first sight of Geoff]
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.
[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]
James: That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
Richard: I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!
James: That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
Richard: I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!
[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
Jeremy: James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
Richard: The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
Jeremy: James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
Richard: The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
[on the Aston Martin Rapide]
James: All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.
James: All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.
[On the Road of Death, Jeremy with his eyes on a passing vehicle accidentally rams James despite being warned not to earlier on. Shaken and angry, James gets out with his machete and approaches Jeremy's car]
Jeremy: Sorry, I was...
James: [Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]
Jeremy: [fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!
James: [interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!
[In Richard's truck]
Richard: [casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.
[Back to James and Jeremy]
Jeremy: I was watching the taxi.
James: You weren't!
Jeremy: I was watching the taxi.
Jeremy: Sorry, I was...
James: [Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]
Jeremy: [fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!
James: [interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!
[In Richard's truck]
Richard: [casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.
[Back to James and Jeremy]
Jeremy: I was watching the taxi.
James: You weren't!
Jeremy: I was watching the taxi.
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has to take his shoes off with an Allen key. And that his new year's resolution is to eat fewer mice. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he has to take his shoes off with an Allen key. And that his new year's resolution is to eat fewer mice. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!
Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.
Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!
Jeremy: Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know he's called the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know he's called the Stig!
[opening a segment]
Jeremy: What if you're mad? What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome by an uncontrollable urge to lick it?
[laughter]
Jeremy: What if you're mad? What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome by an uncontrollable urge to lick it?
[laughter]
[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]
Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!
Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.
Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!
Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.
[Talking about the Gallardo Balboni]
Richard: According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!
Richard: According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!