Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10 Season 11 Season 12 Season 13
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[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.
Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.
[During their drive through the rainforest it begins to rain]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Hammond?
Richard: [through walkie-talkie Yeah?
Jeremy: How wet are you getting in this rain?
[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]
Richard: [spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Hammond?
Richard: [through walkie-talkie Yeah?
Jeremy: How wet are you getting in this rain?
[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]
Richard: [spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.
[During their first night travelling through the jungle...]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.
[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]
Jeremy: How can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.
[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]
Richard: Aah! What the BLEEP's that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, BLEEP, adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.
[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]
Jeremy: How can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.
[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]
Richard: Aah! What the BLEEP's that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, BLEEP, adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
[examining an unofficial Richard Hammond calendar]
James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.
James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.
[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]
Richard: Jeremy, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it!
Richard: I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
Jeremy: There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy: I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
Richard: Jeremy, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it!
Richard: I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
Jeremy: There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy: I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
[In the news, talking about how Australian authorities are going to get tough on boozed up fans]
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.
[In the Romania road trip, connecting the Bluetooth systems of the cars]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice: You may have...
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...
Richard: PLEASE STOP!
Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice: You may have...
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...
Richard: PLEASE STOP!
[In the Romania road trip, talking about the Aston DBS Volante]
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.
[In the Romania road trip, when a Dacia Sandero overtakes them easily on the road]
Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!
Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!
[Jeremy accidentally sprays himself in the face with some RAC-branded perfume]
Jeremy: MY EYES!
[Richard laughs]
Richard: You cretin!
Jeremy: [also laughing] I'm blind!
Jeremy: MY EYES!
[Richard laughs]
Richard: You cretin!
Jeremy: [also laughing] I'm blind!
[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
Jeremy: This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
Jeremy: This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
[mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails]
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
[On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life]
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
[On crossing the Chilean border]
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: [from within] MY ARSE!
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: [from within] MY ARSE!