[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coconut milk?
James: No.
Jeremy: Green curry paste?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
James: It had some potatoes.
Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
Richard: No. Why?
Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
James: Tea towel in water.
Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.
Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]
Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
Both : [in unison] The SLR.
Jeremy: The new SLR.
Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Richard: Can you tell us anything about it?
Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
Richard: To your drunken brain at the time.
Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."

[Jeremy is slipping badly on the slope while trying to escape the clutches of the Glastonbury car park.]
Jeremy: [as if in a crisis] OH, P-L-E-A-S-E!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!

[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]
Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."

[Jeremy reads out Usain Bolt's quote on the day of the 2008 Olympic 100m dash]
Jeremy: It said, "I didn't have breakfast, woke up at 11:00, sat around watching TV, then had some chicken nuggets..." [Laughter] Oh, no, it gets better! "Slept for two hours, then went back and got some more nuggets." [Laughter]

[Jeremy sees he is being overtaken by a huge lorry]
Jeremy: [gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
James: [over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!

[Jeremy, covered in soot, has just walked into the bar and collapsed after running there from the steam engine]
James: [holding a glass of beer up to Jeremy's mouth] Jeremy! Speak to me!

[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
James: I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Jeremy: Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
Richard: That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and another...]
Richard: Er, burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
Richard: [laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
James: So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Jeremy: Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.

[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the smoothness and quietness of their cars. Things are uncannily silent, until.......]
Jeremy: [over radio] This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here I can hear my hair growing!

[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the speed of their cars with a drag race. Jeremy's Å koda Roomster pulls alongside James' Toyota iQ.]
Jeremy: Got James!
[James' Toyota accelerates ahead of Jeremy.]
Jeremy: [with the same tone as before] Lost James!

[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Jeremy: Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
James: But why is it just cars?
Jeremy: What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"

[Just after he crashed his Volvo]
Jeremy: "Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[Just before the rain starts to fall]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
[And with that, the heavens open. Jeremy and James ride along, soaked by the torrential rain]
Jeremy: Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!
James: Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
Jeremy: My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!
Jeremy: [voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Richard: Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
Jeremy: [shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James: It's good for you!
Jeremy: [still shouting] It's not!
James: [Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Jeremy: Hit that. Cheer me up--kill yourself.
[James overtakes Jeremy and begins to sing The Beach Boys' "Little Honda"]
James: #I'll take you anywhere you want to go, I'll ride my Honda tonight-#
Jeremy: I hate you!
James: [Ignoring him] #First gear, it's all right. Second gear, I lean right. Third gear, hold on tight#

[later in the news]
James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Jeremy: Revs?
James: Revs, yeah.
Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
Jeremy: You what?
James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old -- I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
Richard: You worked that out? For -- your -- car? You spent time -- WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do -- what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
James: It's alright.
Jeremy: Richard -- I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
Richard: There's your answer!

[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]
Richard: You all right?
James: 'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Jeremy: Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
James: I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
Jeremy: What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."