Top Gear quotes
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[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
Jeremy: This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
Jeremy: This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25]
James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
Jeremy:Yes, almost certainly!
James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
Jeremy:Yes, almost certainly!
[Jeremy has just left Berwick aboard Tornado, but has found out that James is in the lead.]
Jeremy: How far north of Berwick are you?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: How far?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: Seventeen?
James: No, less than ten!
Jeremy: Thirty?
James: [losing patience] LESS THAN TEN! [laughs] What a cock-end! Honestly!
Jeremy: How far north of Berwick are you?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: How far?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: Seventeen?
James: No, less than ten!
Jeremy: Thirty?
James: [losing patience] LESS THAN TEN! [laughs] What a cock-end! Honestly!
[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy has just remembered about the Ferrari FXX lap, and has bad news.]
Jeremy: Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay--you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
Jeremy: [indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!
Jeremy: Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay--you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
Jeremy: [indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!
[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.
[Jeremy has managed to get his quad bike running]
Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!
Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!
[Jeremy has proposed putting giant magnets on the front of cars to avert collisions, and a member of the audience has pointed out another benefit]
Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.
Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.
[Jeremy has suggested that they steal a fuel tanker]
Jeremy: Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard: That's a lot.
Jeremy: ... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home!
Richard: Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.
Jeremy: Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard: That's a lot.
Jeremy: ... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home!
Richard: Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.
[Jeremy has won two points for making his insurance quote two-hundred under the £500 bench-mark.]
Jeremy: Two points - for being a doctor!
Jeremy: Two points - for being a doctor!
[Jeremy is about to discuss a car smaller than the Peel P50.]
Jeremy: Now, we have some bad news.
James: [dryly] Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: [firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: Now, we have some bad news.
James: [dryly] Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: [firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.
[Jeremy is broken down by the side of a road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]
[Jeremy is butting in as Richard and James populate the Classic Wall]
Richard: Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?
Jeremy: This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!
Richard: It is. And I believe you had one!
Jeremy: I did indeed.
Richard: And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: Ah, £5000.
Richard: Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?
Jeremy: Ah, £3000.
Richard: OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?
Jeremy: £7,000.
Richard: So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.
Richard: Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?
Jeremy: This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!
Richard: It is. And I believe you had one!
Jeremy: I did indeed.
Richard: And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: Ah, £5000.
Richard: Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?
Jeremy: Ah, £3000.
Richard: OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?
Jeremy: £7,000.
Richard: So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.
[Jeremy is having lunch while his scooter is being repaired]
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.