Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons
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[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok--four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time--in the four or five years since they've been here--to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok--four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time--in the four or five years since they've been here--to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.
[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!
[mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails]
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000]
Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
James: Yes, a space station.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.
Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
James: Yes, a space station.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.
[Mocking the speculation on the Stig, after passing him off as James May]
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
[moments before his dragster crash]
Richard: When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.
Richard: When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.
[Moments before James commences a drag race in a G-Whiz]
James: Cock. Just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing...
James: Cock. Just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing...
[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.
[nomination for the Dullest Formula 1 Driver of the Year award]
Richard: Kimi Räikkönen. He's 24 years old, he's paid millions of pounds a year, and he chooses to live... in Chigwell.
Richard: Kimi Räikkönen. He's 24 years old, he's paid millions of pounds a year, and he chooses to live... in Chigwell.
[nominations for Surprise of the Year]
Richard: And the Vauxhall Signum. In particular, we were surprised that anyone could be catatonically stupid enough to make a people carrier that can actually carry fewer people than the saloon on which it's based.
Richard: And the Vauxhall Signum. In particular, we were surprised that anyone could be catatonically stupid enough to make a people carrier that can actually carry fewer people than the saloon on which it's based.
[Nominees for the 'Lifetime Achievement Award']
James: Ken Livingstone for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.
James: Ken Livingstone for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.
[observing the approach of a storm]
Jeremy: In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"
Jeremy: In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"
[on a Citroën camper conversion]
Jeremy: And it only has one bed!
James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.
Jeremy: And it only has one bed!
James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.
[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out]
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.
Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.
Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!
[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.