Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons
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[on a stop by the Sea of Galilee]
Jeremy: [removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
James: Cock! You took the bandage off!
Jeremy: [removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
James: Cock! You took the bandage off!
[on adjusting the GT-R's Satellite Navigation system]
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
[on African Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.
Jeremy: Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.
[on building a snow bank at the bottom of the ski slope]
Richard: [to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]
Richard: [to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]
[on building the Caterham]
Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.
Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.
[on caravanners]
Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.
Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.
[on crashing his £100 Audi]
James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!
James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!
[On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life]
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
[On crossing the Chilean border]
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: [from within] MY ARSE!
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: [from within] MY ARSE!
[On David Tennant's inability to find third gear on his lap]
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.
[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
Jeremy: I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh]
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
Jeremy: I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh]
[On disguising the fact that Richard's car had broken down]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.
Jeremy: [voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.
[on driving for fun]
Jeremy: Motorcyclists do it all the time, so why don't human beings?
Jeremy: Motorcyclists do it all the time, so why don't human beings?
[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!
[on first sight of Geoff]
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.