Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons
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[having just made a grand entrance down a staircase, with fireworks and dancing girls]
Richard: That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!
Richard: That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!
[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond[
Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.
Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.
[having replaced a Bentley with a Yugo "for complicated reasons"]
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!
[having trouble with the Chaika's pushbutton gear select]
James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!
James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!
[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]
Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
James: The lion.
Both: What?
James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.
Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
James: The lion.
Both: What?
James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.
[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]
Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.
Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.
[his first thought when the wheel of the jet car exploded]
Richard: Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!
Richard: Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!
[How reliable is your car]
James: Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Jeremy: Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.
[When asking the audience]
Jeremy: What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.
James: Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Jeremy: Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.
[When asking the audience]
Jeremy: What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.
[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
James: How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Jeremy: Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
Richard: I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
James: With your best mate's mobile phone.
James: How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Jeremy: Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
Richard: I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
James: With your best mate's mobile phone.
[in a Eurotunnel train during the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!
[In a fish and chip shop, ordering a meal for his work crew]
Richard: Can I have cod-and-chips... seventy-five times?
Richard: Can I have cod-and-chips... seventy-five times?
[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test]
Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.
Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.
[In Albania]
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".
[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]
Richard: Jeremy, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it!
Richard: I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
Jeremy: There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy: I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
Richard: Jeremy, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it!
Richard: I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
Jeremy: There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy: I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
[In an attempt to prove British Leyland made some good cars, James has to drive over a cobbled road with a colander full of eggs over his head]
Jeremy: He looks like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!
Jeremy: He looks like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!