[In Jeremy's Mercedes-Benz CL 600]
Jeremy: Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK. [to the radio] Radio Two.
Male Voice on Radio: Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.
Female Voice on Radio: Cancel.
Jeremy: That's working brilliantly. Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered. Total disobedience! [laughs]

[In Lisbon, about the full-face helmeted downhill biker he was about to race in a Renault Clio]
James: Now all that was left was to psyche out [Darth Vader].

[in May's Cessna 182.]
Richard: We've got no bloody forks!
James: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...
Richard: I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?

[In the Caterham race]
James: Don't hit it with a hammer!
Jeremy: Why?
James: ...because that's the tool of a pikey!

[in the news sction]
James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.
Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick
James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

[In the news, talking about how Australian authorities are going to get tough on boozed up fans]
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.

[In the opening scene, where Jeremy is talking about the iPlayer]
Jeremy: ...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] brilliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...

[In the Romania road trip, connecting the Bluetooth systems of the cars]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice: You may have...
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...
Richard: PLEASE STOP!

[In the Romania road trip, talking about the Aston DBS Volante]
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.

[In the Romania road trip, when a Dacia Sandero overtakes them easily on the road]
Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

[in the studio, after the film showing the Hilux falling with the roof of an imploding tower block]
Jeremy: Now, we've seen that it started.
James: Yeah, it did start.
Jeremy: But did it move?
James: I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is!
[horribly battered but still moving under its own power, the Hilux enters the studio]

[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
Richard: No, absolutely not.
James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?

[indicating a board covered with photos of rock stars]
Jeremy: Problem is, what do all of these people have in common?
Audience member: They're all dead.

[Interview with Jimmy Carr]
Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
Jimmy: Yes, Shell.
Jeremy: Middle Management?
Jimmy: Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.
Jeremy: Okay...
Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.

[interviewing Rob Brydon]
Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...
Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!
Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.
Rob: Brand new.
Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?
Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -
Jeremy: Brown!
Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.
Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -
Rob: That was the worst, yes.
Jeremy: What possessed you to do that?
Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...
Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?
Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -
Jeremy: That's obvious.
Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.
Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...
Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.
Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...
Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.
Jeremy: ... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those?
Rob: Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]