[examining an unofficial Richard Hammond calendar]
James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.

[examining Jay Kay's Miura SV]
Richard: Um, Jay, I did notice there's, uh, there's no window in.
Jay: Well, I'll tell you what I did with the window. [opens driver's door]
Richard: Re-enact it for us.
Jay: I will re-enact it.
Richard: Go on, then.
[Jay shuts the door normally and mimes the window shattering]
Richard: Oh, you closed the door! You mad, impetuous rock star fool. You were asking for trouble, Jay!
Jay: You know, I mean, that's rock 'n roll, hey?

[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
James: That's not a bed, is it?
Richard: [laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
Jeremy: I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
James: What a reward!
Richard: You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
Jeremy: You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!

[Explaining his version of Olympics to Danny Boyle]
Jeremy: OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates come open, the gates are on fire. Some Jags come in, XKRs. On full opposite lock, on fire. And the guy, instead of having a torch, on fire, what if the whole man is on fire? He runs along and leaps into the big saucer-y thing with the flames and that goes on fire. The crowd could be on fire... Every single thing. Because then it could be like Top Gear.

[explaining the modifications made to his Toyota Hilux on what appears to be a sunny day]
Jeremy: ...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since its currently 11:30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.

[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]
Jeremy: And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...
[struggling to make a space on the board]
Jeremy: ...there. In front of a Corvette.
James: Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].
Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.

[for a joke, Clarkson claims that the car issues insulting voice messages if the traction control is engaged]
Monaro: Backs to the wall, everyone, there's a pom on board! He's turned the traction control on! What a poofter.

[for the final test, the cars would be filled with water for the presenters to drive around the Top Gear track to test build quality].
Richard: [to the fire brigade on filling up his car with water] You could have used warm water, it's freezing! [Moments later] There's 30-odd years' worth of fag ends and fluff coming up on top!

[From the unedited news]
James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
Richard: No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
Jeremy: That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Jeremy: Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!

[From the unedited news]
Richard: Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.
Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy: Or eat a pie.
Richard: Yeah! Round our track.
James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!

[getting strapped into the dragster moments before his crash]
Richard: I don't wanna be upside down!

[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]
Jeremy: So, um, I guess he could be dead!
James: Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Jeremy: Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
Richard: I may have... have overcooked that a bit.
Jeremy: ...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"
Series 9

[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]
Enfield [as Clarkson]: [mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!
Paul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]: In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
Farmer: Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
Jeremy: My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!"

[having interrupted the second Toyota torture film at a critical moment]
James: I'll show you what happened later.
Richard: That's evil!
James: It stops people turning over to Heartbeat.

[Having just been told they will have to make their bikes amphibious to get to the actual finishing point.]
Jeremy: How hard can it be?
Richard: DON'T SAY THAT!