[in the news sction]
James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.
Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick
James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
Richard: No, absolutely not.
James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?

[Jeremy disputes this finding]
Jeremy: This is the safest car ever made.
Richard: I've got a scar!
James: Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.
[...]
Jeremy: The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.
Richard: You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!
James: Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.
Jeremy: How safe's that?!
Richard: Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?
James: Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?
[...]
Jeremy: Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.

[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coconut milk?
James: No.
Jeremy: Green curry paste?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
James: It had some potatoes.
Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
Richard: No. Why?
Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
James: Tea towel in water.
Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.
Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

[on building the Caterham]
Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.

[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!

[on quitting his smoking habit]
Jeremy: In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.
[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]
Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]

[on taking a caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."

[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
Jeremy: That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Jeremy: Yes!
Richard: And who's going to give them these points?
Jeremy: Me!
[...]
Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Richard: Well, yes, I do.
Jeremy: Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
Richard: What, starting fights?
Jeremy: [Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.

[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]
Richard: So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.
Richard: [voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.
[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]
Richard: [countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.

[on the new Jaguar XK, and why its front lifts above 130 mph]
Jeremy: Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...

[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]
Jeremy: It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.

[on the Prodrive P2]
Jeremy: You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!

[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]
Jeremy: We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!