James: Now, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Honestly couldn't care less.
James: Well, don't wonder no longer!

James: Now, look at this, there's a study out here, it says people with those speed camera detectors are 600% less likely to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us. In other news, it's been revealed that people with metal detectors are 600% less likely to step on land mines.

James: Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?
[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]
James: 12 miles!
[Laughter]
Richard: What was he doing?
Jeremy: That's the least ambitious thief in the world.
James: That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.
Richard: Why did he nick it?
James: I dunno, but I'd like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been...[Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

James: Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?
Jeremy: [pointing at Richard] He does.
Richard: Yes, all right. I just knew...
James: All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
Jeremy: I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
James: Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Richard: Just measure them?
James: So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
Richard: So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
Jeremy: No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Richard: Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.

James: Now, you'll be able to buy a basic 1.1-litre Panda for £6000. £6000! This, however, is the 1.2-litre Dynamic. This is a posh Panda. But it's still only six thousand, five hundred pounds. Six and a half grand. And it's a whole car!

James: Obviously, driving a convertible yellow Porsche raises certain sociological issues. I mean, some people are going to look at me, I know, and think I'm a merchant banker.

James: Odious little man. [After losing ANOTHER game of car football to Hammond]

James: OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -
Jeremy and Richard: Legacy.
James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]
Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly.
Richard: Yeah, that's "heightist."
James: I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
Jeremy: What?
Richard: Us not being able to do it?
James: Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

James: Right, the Italians. What have they ever done for us?

James: Right, the news, and we begin today with a, well, probably the best piece of news I've ever heard since I was born. An event, in fact, which eclipses the very miracle of my birth.
Richard: Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever?
Jeremy: What is it?
James: [beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle.
Richard: And that's it.
James: That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever.
Richard: And why is that so good?
Jeremy: Why do you hate it so much?
James: Do you really want me to do it?
Jeremy: Well, no, just... I can't imagine...
James: OK. It's a rubbish car.
Richard: That's incisive.
James: That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -
Jeremy: You can't blame a car for Hitler!

James: Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]

James: Say you wanted to bang in a nail. You could belt it really hard with a little hammer, or you could give it a tap with a really big one. The Aston's engine is a sledgehammer.

James: So far, most electric cars have been appalling little plastic snot-boxes that take all night to recharge and then take half a minute to reach their maximum speed of forty. And then run out of juice miles from anywhere.
[James drives past a Toyota Prius]
James: Prius. Sucker.

James: Something I've just thought about though is, that car's got an extra five inches in it so that ou get better rear leg room, yeah?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Yeah.
James: Why don't they just make them all that long? Because you don't buy a jag because you want a small car, do you?
Richard: (somewhat meekly) Some of us don't need leg room.

James: St. Albans. The Romans came here in 43 and built some nice ruins.