[on people carriers]
Jeremy: Obviously all of them are uncool. If you buy a people - anyone got one? You have. Basically what you're saying about yourself, sir, is: you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.

[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
Jeremy: And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Richard: Well it is, yes. But why?
Jeremy: Because you know how much bull semen is?
James: Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Jeremy: 24,000 pounds a litre.
Richard: No way!

[On Porsche Panamera's satellite navigation]
James: You get the moving map in the dial. [Enthusiastically] Oh, oh!
Richard: You're not going to crash the car doing this?
James: Yes, I am!

[on quitting his smoking habit]
Jeremy: In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.
[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]
Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]

[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]
James: That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
Richard: I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!

[On Richard's "Fake" Ferrari (a Dino 308)]
Jeremy: There's no point going "I've bought my shirt at 'George' " [the ASDA-Walmart in-house clothing brand]; it's from ASDA! You've bought a 'George' car!

[on Richard's return]
Jeremy: Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?
Richard: No!
[the audience laughs]
Richard: I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?
James: I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.
Richard: That's all I've had for four months...
James: What? Tissues?
Richard: No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.
Jeremy: Are you the same person that you were before?
Richard: Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.
Jeremy: So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?
Richard: Yes...
James: And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?
Richard: Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.
Jeremy: I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.
Richard: Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

[on Richard]
Jeremy: He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.

[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]
James: This has never been done before.
Richard: No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!

[on Sir Michael Gambon]
Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.

[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]
Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.

[on taking a caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."

[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
Jeremy: James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
Richard: The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.

[on the 1968 Dodge Charger's brakes]
Richard: (voiceover) But as for going from sixty to naught... Oh dearie me...
Richard: (nervously) I'm braking! (The car shows no sign of slowing.) Quite firmly! Fffff- (The car finally stops and Richard is visibly relieved) I was considering evasive then! Ha ha ha!

[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
Jeremy: That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Jeremy: Yes!
Richard: And who's going to give them these points?
Jeremy: Me!
[...]
Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Richard: Well, yes, I do.
Jeremy: Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
Richard: What, starting fights?
Jeremy: [Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.