[During the news]
Jeremy: [pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: No?
Richard: No.

[During the news]
Jeremy: And the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
Richard: No, no, listen!
Jeremy: You must have noticed.
Richard: No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
Jeremy: And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
James: He's Sergeant Pepper.
Richard: I've moved on.
James: What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
Jeremy:You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?
Richard: It is noticeable, mate.
James: That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.

[during the news]
Jeremy: As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
James: I did.
Jeremy: What?
James: I did.
Jeremy: You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
James: Yeah, I got her a power drill.
Richard: James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
James: Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
Jeremy: No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
James: Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Richard: Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Jeremy: Oho!
James: Hah!
Jeremy: Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Richard: Well, it is! It's just -
Jeremy: Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Richard: Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
Jeremy: However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Richard: Yep.
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"

[during the news]
Jeremy: Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?
Richard: Oh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.
Jeremy: [to a man in the audience] What?...[man responds] Ice.
Richard: He got us out of it.
Jeremy: Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.
[introducing the one-tank Basel to Blackpool race]

[During the news]
Jeremy: Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!
James: What the hell are you on about?
Jeremy: It's Dacia!... :[audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... :[audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.

[during the news]
Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?
James: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.
Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?
Richard: But it is a turbo.
Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?
Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -
Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.
Audience: Yes.
Richard: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

[During the news]
Jeremy: I had a family outing this week, in my Ford GT! Took my son to the Fairford Air Show in Gloucestershire.
Richard: And?
Jeremy: It's still there. [laughter] Rev limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine rev beyond six hundred rpm. Which isn't much.

[during the news]
Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Richard: Eh?!
Jeremy: I was shot.
Richard: At last!
Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
Richard: What with?
Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47.

[During the news]
Jeremy: It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
James: Well, they can't.
Richard: Yeah, realistically they can't...
Jeremy: No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.

[During the news]
Jeremy: Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.
Richard: Whoa! Bird's view...(inarticulate noise)
[crowd laughs]

[During the news]
Jeremy: Look, [pauses] I went on the Internet this week and I found this.
[Crowd laughs]

[during the news]
Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.
Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Richard: Err... no, actually!
Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!
Richard: No, I was driving home.
Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!
Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
Richard: [playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

[during the news]
Jeremy: That jacket... how big was the bet?
Richard: Pretty big.

[During the news]
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!

[During the news]
Jeremy: You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.
James: No, I didn't.
Jeremy: You did!
James: No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...
Jeremy: I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!