[During the news]
Richard: And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?
James: I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!
Richard: It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.
Jeremy: Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.
Richard: What have you done?
Jeremy: I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!

[During the news]
Richard: But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Jeremy: Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
James: What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.

[during the news]
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: The slippers?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Are they a bet?
Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.

[during the news]
Richard: My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.
Jeremy: Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

[During the night in the race, Jeremy is in the driver's seat]
Jeremy: I'm coming up behind those Italians in the 1 Series! Look at this, it's neck on neck...now he's come across my nose! We saved you from the Germans, and that's what I get?!
Richard: [talking into his radio] Don't wreck the car!

[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, in a well-balanced show, James gets egg on his face, Richard runs himself over, and I powerslide the new Aston Martin DBS.

[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy; A fat man in a Kia;
John Prescott: Woah, there she goes!
Jeremy: [voiceover] and a race against the Lord God Almighty. [spoken in the car] Come on!

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I talk to two old ladies; Richard makes a phone call; And James sniffs his own armpit.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I use a machine. James writes on a blackboard. And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James asks a girl for a favour.
Girl: [slowly] No.
Jeremy: Richard listens to a man. And I polish a bishop.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: a supercar from a shed in Leicestershire; a rock star in our Reasonably-Priced car; and how many bikes can you jump with a bus.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: Grannies doing Doughnuts; is the new Mini any good?; Ultimate Force in our Reasonably-Priced car; and the bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda around our track.