[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]
Jeremy: Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?
James: Yes.
Richard: Because she's got big hands?
James: I don't like girls with big hands.
Jeremy: Why don't you like girls with big hands?
James: Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]
Jeremy: [to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?
Richard: The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]
Jeremy: Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...
(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)
Jeremy: It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?
(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")
Jeremy: No, not Top Queer...
(Audience laughs, followed by applause)
Jeremy: ...though that's very good.
Richard: That's very good.
Jeremy: That's better than what they've come up with.
Richard: It is actually better.
Jeremy: They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."
(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)
Jeremy: I like Top Queer more!
Richard: Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.
Jeremy:The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...
Richard: Did you?
Jeremy: Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)
Richard: Oh come on! It's not--
Jeremy: No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Richard: Well yeah I do--
Jeremy: He's got a 4x4.
Richard: Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?
Jeremy: He's got a dog!
Richard: Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
Jeremy: He's had his teeth whitened.
Richard: I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy: What they just become white?
Richard: In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
Richard: It just happens to your teeth!
Jeremy: Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: ...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Richard: Thank you!

[During the news, while commenting on the cheap car challenge]
James: I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.

[during the news, while talking about Top Gear Dog's new "doggles"]
James: Those aren't doggles, they're goggles with the G crossed out and replaced with a D.

[During the news]
James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
James: I approve of those.
Jeremy: Why?
James: Because I'm a motorcyclist.
Jeremy: What's that got to do with it?
James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?
James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Jeremy: Why is there no numberplate?
James: I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
Richard: 'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
James: So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Jeremy: Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Richard: Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Jeremy: Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Richard: Oh! Ooh no!
Jeremy: It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

[during the news]
James: [Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...
[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]

[during the news]
James: All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.
Richard: It's not really on the cutting edge, is it.
James: Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!

[during the news]
James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
Jeremy: It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?
James: Because I like it.
Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
Richard: He does have a point there. He does...
Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!
Richard: Let's move on!

[During the News]
James: Everybody, good news! Wait, it's better than you think! The new Dacia Duster is coming to the UK! (Crowd cheers and applauses)

[during the news]
James: Oh! Big news!
Jeremy: Is it the Dacia Sandero?
James: [confused] ...No, erm...

[during the news]
James: The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.
Richard: You're scaring me, mate...
James: And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.
Richard: Stop talking now!
James: And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.
Richard: (to Jeremy) Does genuinely scare me.

[during the news]
James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.
Richard: Eh?
James: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Jeremy: The rock and roll years, with James May!

[During The News]
Jeremy: Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]
Richard: It does makes a bit of a scene.
Jeremy: It does really.
James: You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car -- is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]
Jeremy: MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!
Richard: It would hurry 'em up!
Jeremy: Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.
Richard: Yeah, true.
Jeremy and Richard: Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]
Jeremy: James May has launch control.
James: Yeah, but I don't use it.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: You don't say!
James: No, it's --
Richard: Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"

[During the news]
Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!
Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!