[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.

[Comparing the three luxury supercars' looks]
Jeremy: You've got [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] the ballet dancer, [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] the hitman, and... [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera]
Richard: Someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.
Jeremy: Yes. And THAT [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]

[consigning a photo of Hammond's actual Porsche 911 to the Uncool section of the Cool Wall]
Jeremy: And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -
Richard: [laughing] That is so true.
Jeremy: He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"
Richard: That's what passengers are for.

[continuing about the Prius]
Jeremy: Actually I'm being unfair. The Prius is so slow the child could run into the road, get his ball, and hit puberty before you ever actually hit him.

[Cooking in the tent with James producing gourmet food from his hidden stash]
James: What would those salmon eggs go really well with?
Jeremy: Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.
James: Like a Chablis really.
Jeremy: Yes. So do we get... [James produces a wine bottle] Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!
James: I knew you'd like that.
Jeremy: A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin!

[David Coulthard and Jeremy's painting-with-an-F1-car experiment ends with Jeremy being hit in the testicles by high-speed paintballs and collapsing to the ground screaming]
David: I'll tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.

[David Tennant has challenged Billie Piper's time on the leaderboard, which was allowed to stand despite her cutting a corner]]
Jeremy: [to Tennant] If you'd worn a see through top you'd have been faster than Simon Cowell.

[David Tennant looking in the wing mirror on his power lap]
Tennant: Why am I looking in the wing mirror? There's no one behind me!

[debating where they're landing]
James: Is it China?
Richard: Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.
Jeremy: Well, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.

[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
Jeremy: OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
James: It's floating!
Jeremy: No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.
Richard: That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Jeremy: Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: £60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]

[demonstrating the sense of equanimity to be found in the Jaguar XJR]
Jeremy: This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. And why not? Good luck to you, fella.

[Describing an outfitted Range Rover they have in the studio]
Jeremy: And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!
Richard: Wow! Wow!
James: Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
Jeremy: Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
Richard: You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!
Jeremy: No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!

[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
Jeremy: All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.

[Describing the new BMW X5 M]
Jeremy: The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants.

[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]
Jeremy: Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Me smell cats.