James: All you're going to do with this [indicates Jeremy's rear-wheel spike attachments] is generate headlines: "POLICE CHOP MORE PEOPLE'S FEET OFF".

James: Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
Jeremy: Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
[pause]
Jeremy: [laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
James: [laughs] I know.

James: Avast, land lubbers!

James: Aw, bad news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Jeremy: Oh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...

James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!

James: Blind hill! Aaaaaargh!
Richard: Aaaaaargh!

James: But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.
Jeremy: I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.

James: Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?
Series 10

James: Can I just say...
Jeremy: What?
James: You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
Jeremy: No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.

James: Do you know what's behind us?
Jeremy: What?
James: Horse box.
Richard: What, we're holding up a horse box?
Jeremy: Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]

James: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy. That's all it's for.

James: God in Heaven, this is hard work.

James: Have a look at this, this is our - Jeremy's - bar bill from the Isle of Man trip. [allows large stack of fanfold printer paper to fall to the floor] That's a huge number of fruit-based drinks.

James: Hey! Good news! No, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made.
Jeremy: Excellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..