testing the Noble M600]
Jeremy': This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!

[A little later...]
Jeremy: Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]
Jeremy: It's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Richard: Thanks.

[a member of the audience claims also to have James's "fizzing sensation"]
Jeremy: You have? Or do you just want to be on television?

[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]
Jeremy: Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do--I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet--
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
Richard: Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
Jeremy: [behind Richard] Back to the studio!

[About Morris Marina Owners' Club]
Richard: Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.
Jeremy: Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.
James: Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."
Jeremy: Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."
[Audience laughs]
Richard: [incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!

[About Romania]
Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.
Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.

[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
Jeremy: [Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
James: Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Jeremy: Exactly!

[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]
Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."

[About the Hawk Lancia Stratos kit car]
Jeremy: The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed my frank up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher... but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.

[About the Koenigsegg CCX]
Jeremy: Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?

[About the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Convertible]
Jeremy: There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!
Jeremy: You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!

[About the London to Edinburgh race]
Richard: When we left the action, Jeremy was in the lead just approaching Doncaster, I was in second place and, as you would expect, Captain Slow was bringing up the rear...
James: Steady.
Richard: ...Hoping to take me from behind.
James: Yeah alright.
Richard: And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel...
James: Stop saying things like that!

[About The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!