Richard:If you ask to be piped aboard I'm throwing you over.

Sabine: [to Jeremy after seeing his fastest lap] I do that lap time in a van.

Sanjeev Bhaskar: Now, Indians do like bling. I mean, if there was a Datsun Bling...
Jeremy: Well, hold on a minute. Now, we've had flexing, I've got that, and winding... what's bling?
Sanjeev: Bling is just, you know, flash. Color. It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."

Sanjeev: I'll tell you the reason that I stopped driving [in India]. I did about a mile and I told my cousin to take over. And I said - it was at night, and nobody uses their headlights, or very few people use their headlights because, you know, you wear 'em out. You'd just have to buy another one. Um, and so there was, there was - I stopped when I saw one headlamp coming towards me, and I said, "Look, I don't know if that's a scooter or it's a truck with one failed headlamp. And he kind of - my cousin stopped for a second, he said, [in Indian accent] "Or two scooters transporting a wardrobe." I said - I said, "You know, you're right, there is that third option. I'm an idiot. I don't know why I didn't think of it."

Simon: [On his fast lap] I wasn't even trying.

Stephen: [On the speed Camera] We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them, and we put a big sign to tell you where they are coming. And we even printed a list on the internet. If you still got caught, whose fault is that?
Jeremy: You are the one with 9 points, and I haven't got any...

Stephen: I came so close to losing my licence almost exactly a year ago. I was pootling along the M11 at a hundred and *hrm* miles per hour, and fortunately they took an average, which was 99.8.
Jeremy: An average from when you got into the car.
Stephen: Yes, quite. From the centre of London.

Stephen: Well, I'm a sort of lefty in a way, but I cannot tell you the overmastering hatred I feel, the waves of disgust when there is that, that frowny-faced woman on the bicycle who looks at you as if you are the symbol of all capitalism and meat-eating and penis-owning - you know, you are the enemy of the people, you are the enemy of the planet, you are globalization - you are Capitalism with a huge cigar - just because you might've slightly blown her off course on her blasted bicycle!

Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly.
Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."
Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!
Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example.
Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".

Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?
Jeremy: Never. Do you?
Terry: No.
Jeremy: Foxes?
Terry: No!
Jeremy: No?
[silence]
Terry: ...children?
Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.
Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.
James: Oh dear....

Tow truck driver: OK?
Richard: OK! Yeah. ...Still, it is under four hours to Rome. ...Just.
Man: [speaks Italian]
[subtitle: What the f*** is this guy on about?]

Vietnamese Driving Examiner: [several times, no matter what Jeremy does] Jeremy Clarkson: Fail!

[James May explaining the artwork on his car]: To understand what Jeremy has done to the car, you must understand that this is deep Republican territory. That woman is the Arch-Democrat. She's the Anti-Christ.