Richard Whiteley: They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?
Jeremy: Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...
Whiteley: So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?
Jeremy: Yeah! Yell!
Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

Richard: [after seeing that part of his car's rear body had fallen off] My arse! I've lost an entire buttock!

Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.

Richard: I always struggle throwing boxes away.
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a -- you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!
Jeremy: Richard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.
Richard: The CAA said I was alright.
Jeremy: I know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"
James: Well, it's not a real helicopter -- it's just the box his fridge came in.
Richard: Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]
Richard and James: [both imitating helicopter rotor noise]

Richard: Oh, no, he's going on the phone. Oh, no. Oh, no...
Tow truck driver: [speaking Italian on his phone]
Richard: Well, that's that, then.

Richard: Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue with gold alloys. Lovely.
Jeremy: WRX, this one.
Richard: It is, yes.
Jeremy: Could you get an STI -- in budget?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: P1.
Richard: No.
Jeremy: RB5.
Richard: Now you're just saying letters and numbers.
Jeremy: SK1?
Richard: That's the postcode for Stockport.

Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a Golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...

Richard: damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

Richard: [About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

Richard: [After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
Jeremy: [trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
Jeremy: I've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!
Richard: [over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
Jeremy: [to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!
Richard: [smirking] He hasn't got a clue.

Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Richard: [After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!
Jeremy: Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

Richard: [After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!
[At the end of the film]
Jeremy: You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

Richard: [After opening the door of a Mercedes-Benz G55 AMG] Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris, responding to horns blowing behind him] I know it's a supercar! It doesn't have vertical take-off!