Jeremy: You've just let me down.
James: Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
Player: That was my wife.
James: It was his wife.
Jeremy: Yes, it was your wife.

Jeremy: [Holds up an item] would anyone like to hazard a guess at what this is?
[Person in audience responds]
Jeremy: What?
[Person in audience repeats]
Jeremy: How can you know what this is? Have you got one?
[Person in audience responds]
Jeremy: [stutters] This lady knows the answer! This is... a she-wee.

Jeremy: [My road boat].
Richard: Help! I'm trying to get up the hill. Haha!

Jeremy: [on his £1500 Porsche] For the first time today I have no warning light on the dashboard - all is well. Apart from, you know, the rear windscreen wiper and the electric window and the electric door mirrors and the stereo, and the clock, and the air conditioning, and the speedometer and the milometer, and the piston ring that's eating the engine, and the big smoke coming out of the back, everything's fine.

Jeremy:[on Lamborghini Murciélago's options price list after mentioning the 'flappy paddle' gearbox was £6,000] You need a flappy paddle head to spend that

Jeremy:But after six hours we finally arrived at Caravancatraz.

Jeremy:Heathrow...To Oslo. I'm mad for doing this.

Jeremy:[after having the Eurotunnel train safety instructions start in French] Oh, we gotta have it in French! [pause] Start the train!

John Manlove: [talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces.
Jeremy: [laughs] I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?
John Manlove: What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.
James: That's poo, isn't it?
Jeremy: That's poo. It's...
James: [to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.
Richard: Is that... normal?
Jeremy: It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.
[James is wearing surgical gloves and a mouth mask in his car, Richard is wearing a hazmat suit]
Richard: Oh, God!

Lawrence: [on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
Richard: ....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
Richard: [on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
James: I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.

Lewis Hamilton: It is a bit cold in here though.
Jeremy: It is cold in here, it's sharp.
Hamilton: I'm surprised - I know you guys make a lot of money, can you afford a heater?
Jeremy: [definitively] No. Because we have all the money.

Monaro: You hopeless pom.
Jeremy: Shut up.
Monaro: And you got lucky in the rugby.
Jeremy: Shut up!

Museum Expert: What does it symbolize?
Jeremy: The Audi?
Museum Expert: Yes.
Jeremy: It symbolises... [pause] freedom...? [making reference to the film Braveheart] freedom...! like that.

Patrick Kielty: [On the Delorean] Ok, look. I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right. So if you're from Northern Ireland, and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory, in Belfast, in 1980, when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad, then manages to come over and build something which is aesthetically quite pleasing, and in the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million, and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down, I think he's a bit of a hero.
Series 5

Player: Do you have any vacuum cleaner?
Jeremy: A vacuum cleaner?
Player: Yes, clean the seats.
Jeremy: Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!