Jeremy: We are now the most northern people in the world... apart from Michael Parkinson obviously.
[James chuckles]

Jeremy: We could carry on trying to destroy it, but do you know what? I think we should build a plinth.

Jeremy: We get a hundred million letters every week from women complaining about their men's love of cars.
Richard: This is true. We do.
Jeremy: We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on."
Richard: No we don't.

Jeremy: We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club--
Richard: Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!

Jeremy: We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.
Richard: No, it's actually December, December 9th.
Jeremy: Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.
Richard: This is the past.
Jeremy: This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]
James: The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]
[laughter from Jeremy and the studio]
James: So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out -- this year.
Jeremy: This year. This year.
Richard: Yes!

Jeremy: We're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight because we're going to put a Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car. He is the Minister for Transport, which means he is the Minister for Speed Cameras. No, no, no, no, no! This is the BBC, we will treat him with respect and impartiality! So, please welcome Beelzebub himself, Dr. Stephen Ladyman!

Jeremy: Well of course, what we have proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron, which we know to be the fastest car in the world, is faster than another kind of car.

Jeremy: Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
Richard: I would've done.
James: I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
James: Yup. I nearly did.

Jeremy: What a journey! 700 miles on my bike, 250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.

Jeremy: What do you drive, sir?
Audience member: A 355.
Jeremy: A Ferrari. There's an interesting statistic on Ferrari, ah... what is it, James?
James: [consulting clipboard] Um, 90% of people who said they had a Ferrari were lying.

Jeremy: What is it? "Ambitious, but rubbish."

Jeremy: When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!

Jeremy: While we're on the subject of parking, I, um... you know where we nail this program together, it's in the middle of London, okay, there's a multi-storey car park next door, two hours: £9 in there. So if you're two hours and five minutes, eighteen quid. Well, I went into Oxford last weekend, parked on double-yellow lines, right outside where I wanted to be, okay? Took the children out for lunch, went to see James Bond, got back five hours later... twenty quid parking ticket. That's pretty reasonable!

Jeremy: Who do you think's going to win this race?
James: I think we're all going to die.

Jeremy: Who's got the fastest van?