Jeremy: Okay, remind me. Who were the last 4 teams in the World Cup? All European. Women's finalists at Wimbledon; both European. Men's finalists; both European. Everything anyone ever does in any walk of life is done better by Europeans and it's the same with cars.

Jeremy: One of these days, he's gonna kill himself and we're gonna need a new Stig.

Jeremy: Ooh, Stig seems to have got into Elton John - [realizing what he said] - not literally of course!

Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.
Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!
Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.
Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Richard: Not really, no...
Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
Richard: Broadmoor?
Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!
Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
Richard: I don't like that.

Jeremy: Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.

Jeremy: Pray silence, please, for Dame Edna Everstig.

Jeremy: Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
James: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
Jeremy: [shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.

Jeremy: Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small as well.

Jeremy: Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?
Richard: Yeah!
Jeremy: OK. Here it is.
Richard: ... That's the old Mondeo.
Jeremy: No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!
Richard: Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.
James: It's got a new radio, hasn't it.
Jeremy: It has got a new radio.
James: Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.

Jeremy: Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"

Jeremy: Rise Toybota!

Jeremy: See, the thing is about all Japanese cars --
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
Jeremy: [panicked] HELP!

Jeremy: She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.

Jeremy: Sitrep. Don't like driving my Citroen, don't like sleeping in my Citroen, almost certainly won't like cooking in it either.

Jeremy: So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.