Jeremy: I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!
Richard: Oh, well done! Well done!
Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."

Jeremy: I have a slight problem... My speedo isn't working...

Jeremy: I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head's come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything, and it's the same story with this car.

Jeremy: I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won--I've got it here--in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"
Richard: Wow! Can I touch it?
Jeremy: What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!
Richard: Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?
Jeremy: Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.
Richard: Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...
Jeremy: It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.
Richard: So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?
Jeremy: [to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!
Richard: Nothing!
Jeremy: And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...

Jeremy: I have some bad news. The Stig is dead.

Jeremy: I have three donkeys at home.
Jodie Kidd: Do you?
Jeremy: Geoffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott Donkey. I do! I adore my donkeys. They are my life, they're everything. I just think they're fantastic.
Jodie: Very noisy.
Jeremy: Depends what you do to them.

Jeremy: I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered!

Jeremy: I'm gonna try something the Americans call pitting. If I put my car along his rear wheel and push his back end out, he counter-steers, I then brake... and of course, it shoots the other way.
[The Stig pulls smoothly away from Jeremy]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.

Jeremy: I'm no match for Hamster; look at his postage stamp go!

Jeremy: I'm now breaking the speed limit... INDOORS!

Jeremy: I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.

Jeremy: I've always said that if my children buy a bike, I'll burn it. If they replace it with another one, I'll burn that one too. Now when they buy a bike, I will completely understand. And then I'll burn it.

Jeremy: I've been shot in the ear, the lungs, and there's a big mess in my pants!

Jeremy: I've got 120 horsepower in this. You don't want any more than that on marble.

Jeremy: I've got a report here from the Observer. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring." ... It's the Lexus again, it's changed everything.