Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

Jeremy: He's wearing cowboy boots... he's gonna be shot!

Jeremy: Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Jeremy: Here it is!
Richard: Wow. Star Trek!

Jeremy: Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.
Richard: They did.
Jeremy: We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...
Richard: Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]
Richard: Seriously.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.
Richard: They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.
Jeremy: No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!
Richard: You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.

Jeremy: How can you get... there's no wild tortoises here.
Richard: Well, they gotta be somewhere.
Jeremy: It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.
Richard: How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!
[Jeremy laughs]

Jeremy: How did you find the car?
Patrick: Ordinary.

Jeremy: How do I "Release The Excrements"?
Richard: Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!

Jeremy: How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?
Richard: Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"

Jeremy: I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!

Jeremy: I actually took a photograph of these two [Richard and James] just after they'd arrived.
Richard: Ah.
Jeremy: Would you like to see it?
Audience: Yes!
Jeremy: Put, put it up.
[audience laughs at photo of Richard and James in motorcycling leathers]
Richard: Granted, that's not how we looked in our minds.
Jeremy: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the Y...
James: But that's an illustration of why we don't want to wear crash helmets. You will kill yourself; but at least when they lay you out at your funeral you won't have helmet hair.
Jeremy: I suppose you could all dress up as red Indians and construction workers, that's another option.
James: What you don't know is that we do.

Jeremy: I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.
James: What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?
Jeremy: What?
James: A gin and tonic.
Jeremy: Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.
James: I'll make you one.
Jeremy: What?
[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]
Jeremy: Hahahahahahaha! You've got gin!
James: I have.
Jeremy: And because we're in international waters there's no drink-driving laws.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: Got any ice? [looks around him and starts to laugh] That's a stupid question, isn't it?
James: Could you just slow down so I can slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?
Jeremy: Now this is Arctic exploration.

Jeremy: I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].
Richard: Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Richard: Righto.
Jeremy: What a complete...
Richard: I'll make some adjustments.
Jeremy: Did nobody tell you?!
Richard: [shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
Richard: That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.

Jeremy: I could go very, very berserk at this point. But - two things are stopping me. One, the noise. It's driving me mad. And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette, and as a result of that he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.

Jeremy: I got a ticket the other day, and I kid you not, for being parked badly. Since when did it become like ice skating? Where they're all standing there, well, no, I don't think that is well parked, 4 out of... and only 3 from the Nigerian judge!