Jeremy: Chaps.
James: Yes?
Jeremy: There's a list of essential accessories.
James: Ok, let's see if we've got them.
Jeremy: Step?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Water container?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Mains hook up lead?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Leisure battery?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Gas cylinders?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Towing mirrors?
All: YES!
Jeremy: We could be gypsies.

Jeremy: Come on, I'm the tallest thing here.
Richard: It's not as bad as you think actually!
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: ... Are you deaf?!
Richard: Sorry?

Jeremy: Damn! I think I've won.

Jeremy: Do you know what we've done? We've made something worse than a G-Wiz.

Jeremy: First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.

Jeremy: For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and foo-fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.

Jeremy: Forgive me for saying this, but a good looking chap such yourself tends not to be funny.
John Bishop: [looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.

Jeremy: Get off topic, just for a moment; you see, I was driving down here this morning and I couldn't help noticing that my Mercedes just said on the dashboard [puts on bad German accent] "your service is due in tventy-six days". [resumes normal voice] I just thought "How Germanic and boring is that?"
Richard: [whispering] ...and precise.
Jeremy: And then I was thinking "What's going to happen on the twenty-seventh day when inevitably I still haven't had it serviced?"
James: [in bad German accent] Cooler, sree veeks... Mezzr. Clarkson...

Jeremy: Get out of the way, you Polish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?!

Jeremy: Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
James: Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Jeremy: Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
James: What!
Jeremy: It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
Richard: [produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
James: [holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
Richard: No!
Jeremy: James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Richard: Has it got four rings on it?
Jeremy: Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
Richard: Thank you
Jeremy: It's all gone horribly wrong.

Jeremy: Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
James: No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.

Jeremy: Hammond, how much?
Richard: For what?
Jeremy: A lift.
Richard: I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

Jeremy: Hammond, what is it that happens you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast -- on a hot day?
Richard: I believe it catches fire.
James: Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.

Jeremy: Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -
Richard: Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.

Jeremy: Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Jeremy: Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
Richard: What! What do you do with it?
Jeremy: I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.