Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70--
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--
Jeremy: What, is it black or white?
James: --is an absolute.
Jeremy: How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
Richard: You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
Jeremy: No, cube their heads!
Richard: Get up five minutes earlier.
Jeremy: I haven't got five minutes!
James: It's not five minutes anyway.
Jeremy: It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
Jeremy: Congratulations for--
Jesus: Thank you.
Jeremy: It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
Jesus: No, I go the back way.
Jeremy: Because of that [the roadworks]?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
Jesus: Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Jeremy: Ten minutes a day? That's--
Jesus: I ride a donkey each way.
Jeremy: Each way, five days a week?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
Jesus: That's right.
Richard: Now that is a small point, that--
Jeremy: Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Jeremy: Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

Jeremy: And the Ford? Well, it's the prettiest, it's the fastest, and it has the best fuel economy! Oh, no, wait, that's not right, is it?

Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

Jeremy: Anyone who sits in the back of a four-seater convertible looks like Hitler.

Jeremy: Apparently, Piƫch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. My! I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.

Jeremy: Atom heart mother!

Jeremy: Based on... no knowledge at all, we decided to push on in our three ton truck.

Jeremy: Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yoghurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars... On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

Jeremy: But it's strange, because most of the people I know who speak Latin find cars really rather trivial and infantile.

Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?
[the Stig stares back through his helmet]
Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?

Jeremy: Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
Richard: I like it.
James: I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
Richard: No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Jeremy: Oh good, a train!
Richard: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James: It's alright. It's romantic.
Richard: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!

Jeremy: Can I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?
Richard: With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle and I'm here!" Can you get an optional extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?

Jeremy: Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo we were neck in neck. Okay? Absolutely neck in neck. I made it to Oslo, flew home and was half way through supper before these guys arrivved at the finishing point. That's how badly it went wrong for them!
James: Well, I have to say it wasn't the end, we don't even know what that place was called.
Richard: A town. No idea.
James: No idea.
Richard: Just a place.
James: Freezing cold.
Richard: Yes.
James: Nobody spoke English to us.
Richard: No.
James: And we had no money.
Richard: No! And then there was a cash point and, that was unbelievable, it said 5000 kroner. Well how much is that? Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that? And all I know is that's more than he [May] had because when he asked for that it said insufficient funds available. Which didn't go down well.

Jeremy: Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine. I will not be beaten by a washing machine.

Jeremy: Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.