Jeremy: [voiceover] ...and so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.
Jeremy: Oxford hates cars!
Richard: [pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy: [voiceover] As an engineering exercise, the Cayenne is astonishing. Only the Germans could've pulled it off. But all their efforts with the power and the speed and the toughness and the agility - they were all a complete and utter waste of time. Because look at it.
[pulls over, gets out]
Jeremy: I think what they tried to do is make the front look like a 911. Which it doesn't. And then from here back it looks like they just haven't bothered! Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It is a monkfish among cars. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis, and frankly I would rather walk back to the studio than drive another yard in it. So I shall. [looks around, points] That way. [walks out of frame]

Jeremy: [voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...
Richard: Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."
Jeremy: [as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.
James: [voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Delighted that for once the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms. [out loud] I love having inches of money! [voiceover] But our joy was short lived as James discovered when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.
James: [pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?
Salesman: Uh, five hun-- five hundred and sixty million Vi?t ??ng.
James: Five hundred and sixty million?
Salesman: Yeah
James: How much is fifteen million ??ng?
Salesman: Just about one thousand U.S. dollar.

Jeremy: [voiceover] I honestly believed that at some point on our long and torturous route, one of us would be killed. Probably wouldn't be Hammond though. Because unlike us two, he at least could get a helmet which fitted.
Jeremy: The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.
Richard: No, you have a big head.
Jeremy: The reason why crash helmets are small is because people who wear them haven't got a brain. Otherwise they'd have a car.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back at the convoy...
[Richard's campervan suddenly stalls at a road junction]

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.
James: No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Over the years, I've flown F-15 fighters and done power slides in airboats and strafed the desert from helicopter gunships, but for sheer excitement, this thing [the Atom] is off the scale. Even so, there will still be those who say that no car, no matter how fast it is, can ever be as exciting as a big bike.
Jeremy: [yelling over the Atom's cockpit noise again] Oh, puh-lease! I mean, I don't have to wear a helmet in here, which means my epiglottis is full of bees! And there's so much wildlife in my hair, you could film an episode of Badger Watch in there!

Jeremy: [voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
Jeremy: Oh listen to that now.
Richard: That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Jeremy: Gone into second.
Richard: Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.

Jeremy: [voiceover] The Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.
Richard: BUGGER!

Jeremy: [voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy: I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
James: Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard: I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy: Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James:[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
Jeremy: [voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy:[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James: [coughs heavily]
Jeremy: I've got every single 1920's disease.

Jeremy: [voiceover] The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.

Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the old Citroën CX, and it was mad in every way.

Jeremy: [voiceover] With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk!
Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!
Jeremy: He's just a... prat!