Jeremy: [Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
James: See these manhole covers?
Richard: NO!
James: They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
Jeremy: A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.

Jeremy: [singing badly] Weeeeeee're all going daahn the pub! (aping a Sham 69 song)

Jeremy: [to a biker on the Nürburgring] Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!

Jeremy: [to a young woman on the street] What have you got for a price of a Vanquish, then...? That house there?
Young Woman: Mmm-hmm
Jeremy: Detached house: three bedrooms; lounge, whatever one of those is... three bedroom house, for about the same as the Aston. Would you rather have that house or that car.
Young Woman: The car.
Jeremy: Good girl.

Jeremy: [to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?
Richard: I do, actually.

Jeremy: [To Richard] I've just had a really good idea! Why don't you shut up? And why don't you tell the all the ladies and gentlemen, with your Tippex teeth, about the car that you've been driving that I haven't.

Jeremy: [To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?
Car Dealer: A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
Jeremy: I'll be murdered.
Car Dealer: Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
Jeremy: He's not joking!
Car Dealer: It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
Jeremy: [takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
Car Dealer: Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
Jeremy: [to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.): Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
Jeremy: You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
Robert: The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Jeremy: Why, by someone buying a car?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: HE killed the guy?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
Robert: Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Jeremy: Hammond.
Richard: Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Jeremy: Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
Richard: [looks panicked] What?
Jeremy: Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy] Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?
[cut to Richard, confused]: Is it south or north of 79th street? I can't go.
[cut to Richard walking along a street] (voiceover) Richard: I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th street itself.

Jeremy: [to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that?

Jeremy: [to the petrol pump attendant] Look at this.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Jeremy: Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.

Jeremy: [trying to get onto the buyer list for a Ford GT] Fords are magnificent in every way.

Jeremy: [trying to out-manoeuvre an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot.
Jeremy: That's not something you see everyday, a gunship in your rear view mirror.

Jeremy: [upon being unable to break into Richard's Suzuki Super Carry] Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?

Jeremy: [upon seeing the size of the van James had bought] James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?

Jeremy: [voiceover, on the Citroën CX] Trying to drive this car through a town was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves. It was always going to end in tears.

Jeremy: [voiceover, with the scene showing Richard Hammond driving very slowly] This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.
Richard:(slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.
Jeremy:(mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.