Jeremy: Hammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Richard: Is that what this is?
Jeremy: Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
Richard: [climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
[All three laugh]
Jeremy: Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?
Richard: [from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.
James: I thought he had a guitar.
[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]
James: It's the Stormer.
Jeremy: Yeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.
James: 20 grand, maximum.
Richard: Stormer! That's a good name.
Jeremy: £20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.

Jeremy: Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
Audience: Yeah.
Jeremy: You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Richard: Eat toffees.
Jeremy: No.
James: Get an erection. [laughter]
Richard: [looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Jeremy: Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
James: In a police station. [laughter]
Jeremy: Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
Richard: Landing aircraft!
Jeremy: I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Richard: Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
Jeremy: No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
James: It doesn't say "tenderly"!
Jeremy: I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!

Jeremy: I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
Richard: Sawing a piece of wood.
Jeremy: I could do that.
Richard: You can't, you'd need to hold your wood -- [making sawing movement]
Jeremy: No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Richard: Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly --
Jeremy: I could do that.
Richard: You could not!
Jeremy: I could!
Richard: You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
Jeremy: I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
James: I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
Richard: You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
James: I bet you - I bet I could.
Richard: You can't!
James: I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Jeremy: Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
James: Yeah...
Jeremy: And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Richard: Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
Jeremy: No.
Richard: It'd be a short race!
Jeremy: We'll leave you out of it.
Richard: Can we make it a 50 yard sprint -- [breaks down to laugh]

Jeremy: I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. [reading the letter] "Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out here, sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fence mending trip to Mexico. Basically, my message is this... you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."
[looks behind] Oh, here he comes now.
[David Cameron is seen leaving Number 10 by car in front of the three]
David Cameron: Stay away from India.
Jeremy: [looking dejected] ...Well, that was unequivocal.
James: Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective... to rescue Britain.

Jeremy: I have seen X-Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.

Jeremy: I'm not going round-- [Richard uses his car to push Jeremy] I am going round the-- Hammond! Don't be an arse! Hammond, stop it!

Jeremy: I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders, into Jordan. A country famous for not having Bethlehem in it.

Jeremy: If you are a German and you have any complains of the film you just seen do please feel free to write to us. Our address is: 1966 El Alamein Square, 1939-1945 Jutland Street, London W.E.1.
Series 12

Jeremy: It is genuinely unbelievable that that car [pointing to Richard's Bentley Turbo R] costs exactly the same as this car [referring to the Nissan Pixo]. Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is [points to Richard]. But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England -- and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying the door's going to fall off.

Jeremy: Now, are there any mothers here?
[A response is heard.]
Jeremy: Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.

Jeremy: The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights. Very practical and very sensible. The Ferrari, though, that is a pair of stockings.

Jeremy: These days eco-ism is seen as cool. People like James May and me, petrol heads, we're -- we're dinosaurs really. So if you have one of these cars with zero emission and full electric plastered down the side, you are more likely to get a girlfriend. [voiceover] You just have to hope she doesn't live at the other end of the country.

Jeremy: This is a place of screaming engines and tire smoke. It is a cathedral to the god of thunder and the mistress of power--the natural home then--for James May.

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wears a blue hat, James wears a different hat, and I wear a hat with things on it.

Jeremy: Use some of your charm. It will begin with the word "hello". Ready? [imitates James] "Hello."
James: Hello. We were just wondering, we're trying to... We've got two electric cars.
Waitress: Right.
[camera cuts to Jeremy, who is a short distance away from James]
Jeremy: James has a way with women. I should imagine he'll be able to talk her into it, no problem at all.
[camera switches back to James]
James: ..it's going to take 12 hours.
Waitress: [slowly, after a long pause] ...No.