[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test]
Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.

[in the studio, after the film showing the Hilux falling with the roof of an imploding tower block]
Jeremy: Now, we've seen that it started.
James: Yeah, it did start.
Jeremy: But did it move?
James: I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is!
[horribly battered but still moving under its own power, the Hilux enters the studio]

[indicating a board covered with photos of rock stars]
Jeremy: Problem is, what do all of these people have in common?
Audience member: They're all dead.

[interviewing Rob Brydon]
Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...
Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!
Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.
Rob: Brand new.
Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?
Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -
Jeremy: Brown!
Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.
Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -
Rob: That was the worst, yes.
Jeremy: What possessed you to do that?
Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...
Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?
Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -
Jeremy: That's obvious.
Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.
Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...
Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.
Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...
Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.
Jeremy: ... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those?
Rob: Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]

[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25]
James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
Jeremy:Yes, almost certainly!

[Jeremy is butting in as Richard and James populate the Classic Wall]
Richard: Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?
Jeremy: This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!
Richard: It is. And I believe you had one!
Jeremy: I did indeed.
Richard: And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: Ah, £5000.
Richard: Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?
Jeremy: Ah, £3000.
Richard: OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?
Jeremy: £7,000.
Richard: So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.

[nomination for the Dullest Formula 1 Driver of the Year award]
Richard: Kimi Räikkönen. He's 24 years old, he's paid millions of pounds a year, and he chooses to live... in Chigwell.

[nominations for Surprise of the Year]
Richard: And the Vauxhall Signum. In particular, we were surprised that anyone could be catatonically stupid enough to make a people carrier that can actually carry fewer people than the saloon on which it's based.

[on caravanners]
Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble and Richard's of the Morgan Plus 8]
James: They've brought the wrong cars.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble]
Richard: He just - he misses the point, he's reduced the whole thing to a mathematical equation! That's not a car, it's a calculator.

[on modern British consumers]
Richard: They earn money, they see stuff in shops, and they buy it. That's just the way most of us are. Me! I'm partial to a shirt!

[on people carriers]
Jeremy: Obviously all of them are uncool. If you buy a people - anyone got one? You have. Basically what you're saying about yourself, sir, is: you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.

[on the 911 series engine placement, behind the rear axle]
Richard: Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today.
[...]
Richard: In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.
[...]
Richard: Look, ma, I'm going sideways!
[...]
Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.

[on the benefits of driving a decommissioned black cab in London]
Stephen: Other cabs let you in, you know - "cabaraderie", I call it.