Jeremy: The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is because you've forgot about it.

Richard: [After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
Jeremy: [trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
Jeremy: I've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!
Richard: [over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
Jeremy: [to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!
Richard: [smirking] He hasn't got a clue.

Richard: Wait, I wanted to drive the Maserati!
Jeremy: [In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!

[after arriving in his modified Land Rover Cottage at the start point, Fleet services on the M3]
Richard: And here it is. I´m genuinely genuinely proud of it.
Richard: (voiceover) But before I had a chance to talk you through, Jeremy arrived. In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.

[After Richard and James leaves behind Jeremy to go to the hotel]
Richard: Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?
James: What a bin lid, honestly!
Richard: He is a yobbo, though, isn't he? Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about. He doesn't think ahead.
Jeremy: [over the radio] I can still hear you, you short arse! [Richard laughs]

[After Richard introduced his Porsche GT3 RS]
Jeremy: What you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.
Richard: How do you make that out?
Jeremy: Let me explain, OK? Premiership [pointing to James' Ferrari 458 Italia], Premiership [pointing to his Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG], [pointing to Richard's Porsche] Johnstone's Paint Trophy.

[after they leave the campsite]
Jeremy: [over the walkie-talkie] James May.
James: [also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy: What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
James: Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]
Jeremy: [as they drive over a bridge and his block of flats starts to sway again] Woah!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

[at the beach]
Richard: I, um, have had to leave some of the panels at the camp site. Well, all of them, pretty much, and that, um... [we see Richard inside the back of the Land Rover, which has no panels] ...has sort of compromised privacy, rather. [a crowd of men on the beach watch him] Yeah, they're not gonna go, are they?

[Coming up new ways for Aston Martin to lower their CO2 emissions rather than making the Cygnet]
James: Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down, why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?
Richard: Or they should do Aston Martin flowers, 'cause they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!
Jeremy: I think it has to be a mode of transport... you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?
James: Scissors.
Jeremy: Have you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors? [laughter]
James: Not yet.
Richard: He probably has actually.
Jeremy: It won't work. A cow? A cow --
Richard: Ostriches. They're quite exotic.

[Comparing the three luxury supercars' looks]
Jeremy: You've got [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] the ballet dancer, [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] the hitman, and... [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera]
Richard: Someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.
Jeremy: Yes. And THAT [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]

[During the News]
James: Everybody, good news! Wait, it's better than you think! The new Dacia Duster is coming to the UK! (Crowd cheers and applauses)

[During the news]
Jeremy: And the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
Richard: No, no, listen!
Jeremy: You must have noticed.
Richard: No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
Jeremy: And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
James: He's Sergeant Pepper.
Richard: I've moved on.
James: What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
Jeremy:You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?
Richard: It is noticeable, mate.
James: That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.

[During the news]
Jeremy: It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
James: Well, they can't.
Richard: Yeah, realistically they can't...
Jeremy: No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! I repeat: Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! And she's brought Tom Cruise along!

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I wear a hat. Richard wears a hat. And James wears a hat.