Jeremy: [voiceover] With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk!
Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!
Jeremy: He's just a... prat!

Jeremy: Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.

Jeremy: Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
James: Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Jeremy: Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
James: What!
Jeremy: It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
Richard: [produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
James: [holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
Richard: No!
Jeremy: James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Richard: Has it got four rings on it?
Jeremy: Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
Richard: Thank you
Jeremy: It's all gone horribly wrong.

Jeremy: I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!

Jeremy: I'm now breaking the speed limit... INDOORS!

Jeremy: I've always said that if my children buy a bike, I'll burn it. If they replace it with another one, I'll burn that one too. Now when they buy a bike, I will completely understand. And then I'll burn it.

Jeremy: I've got 120 horsepower in this. You don't want any more than that on marble.

Jeremy: In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.

Jeremy: It's cold, the track's too pockmarked, it's bumpy....now,I'll be driving the Morris Marxist and you shall be in the...what is it?
James: The Lenin 1.6 SLX.
Jeremy: Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.
James: And the loser has to sacrifice his bath plug.

Jeremy: Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!
Richard: Can I crash into James every time we stop?
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Just a tiny--
Jeremy: No!
[they set off]
Jeremy: If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!

Jeremy: Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.
[beat]
Jeremy: Anyway...

Jeremy: That's 750 miles of careful driving. That's not a race, that's my idea of hell!
James: It's my idea of heaven.

Jeremy: The Corvette is stuck in British Home Stores! Turning circle: not good enough.

Jeremy: What a journey! 700 miles on my bike, 250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.

Jeremy: Why don't we just put nitrous on it?
Richard: Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?
Jeremy: Fell off an aircraft carrier.
Richard: Because?
Jeremy: [glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...