[on the Hyundai Genesis]
Jeremy: Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
James: No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Jeremy: Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
James: Yeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: I don't know what you two are saying now.
Jeremy: No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
Richard: [looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Jeremy: Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Richard: Yeah, all right. Thank you.
Jeremy: The Hyundai Girls Aloud, Hammond Edition.

[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
James: What was yours?
Jeremy [hands his bill over to James]: Read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James [meets him with disbelief]: Ehhh?! Fifte-.. [bursts out laughing] I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Jeremy: Yeah, and...
James: 15,950 Pounds and 59 pence.
Jeremy: Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
James: Was that...
Jeremy: There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
James: What did he do? Buy you a Golf? [starts laughing again]

[on the Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: If it had a tongue, it would go around licking windows.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo X]
Jeremy: I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me, so let's see what's what.

[on the sound of the McLaren's engine]
Jeremy: That is the sound of money exploding!

[on The Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!

[on The Stig.]
Richard: Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[on the Subaru again]
Jeremy: Let's be honest, it is uglier than a war wound; it's far too soft and wallowy; it sounds like it's running on Mogadon; and the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.

[on the Subaru Impreza WRX STi]
Jeremy: This car isn't an anorak. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.

[On the Toyota Urban Cruiser]
Jeremy: That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of. 'Cause forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't an urban cruiser someone who wears a mac and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?
Richard: They may not have thought that through.
Jeremy: They haven't. I mean, that's not going to work as a school run car if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.

[reading a letter of warning on the Mercedes-Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: "The traction control must stay on." Sounds dangerous. [he smiles broadly]

[reading his police slogan]
Jeremy: "In jail no one can hear you scream" - scary.