[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final, he would've seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian half-wit! All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury, because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn't have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[on the Stig]
Richard: Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]

[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]
Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!

[on Top Gear's new seating]
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...

[pointing to the Aston Martin DB9]
Jeremy: So it's Keira Knightley... [pointing to the Aston Martin DBS] or Keira Knightley, dressed in Puff Diddley's jewellery.

[reacting to the English Channel challenge]
Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Richard: Yeah. But what a day!

[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
Richard:I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.
Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!
James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Richard: What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.

[Richard's Triumph Dolomite Sprint has just failed the handbrake test, nearly running him over as it rolls freely backward down the slope]
Richard: Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Richard: Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
James: [looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
James: [voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Richard: Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.

[Shedding weight from the cars]
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.

[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.