[on the Audi R8's handling]
Jeremy: Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.

[on the BMW 330d they bought to convert it into a racing car]
Richard: This is the car we enrolled. It's a BMW 330d, four years old, done 45.000 miles, we paid 11 grand for it. And now, we must turn it into a racing car by [he pauses, then continues uncertainly] ...bolting lots of racing car bits to it.

[on the car's loss in the race]
Richard: Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
Jeremy: He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
James: Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Richard: That happened!
Jeremy: And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!

[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]
Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.

[on The Mitsubishi i's deodorizing roof lining]
Jeremy: If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
Richard: It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?

[on The Mitsubishi i]
Richard: Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
Richard: It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
Jeremy: What that give you eczema?
Richard: No...
Jeremy: ... Chlamydia?

[on the old Jaguar S-Type]
James: You see, Mr. Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to Ye Olde Tea Rooms where we eat some Kendal mint cake. And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back. It's rubbish!

[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy [shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped! Top speed rather depends on how big you are, and actually how much you had for breakfast. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth would struggle to get past... 35?

[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect, then, for the roads of today.

[on the qualifying in the night]
Richard: [voiceover] Then it was Jeremy's turn.
Jeremy: Holy cow, I can't see a thing...
Richard: [voiceover] He tried to cure the lack of visibility with speed.
Jeremy: I just took Bridge Corner flat, first time I...oh, I'm off! People behind me must be thinking, "Who is this clown?"

[on the qualifying]
Jeremy: What if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
Richard: ...I don't know, I don't know...
Jeremy: This is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
Richard: Yes...
James: I've broken my zip.
Richard [irritated]: That's bad?
[two hours before the race is scheduled to start, James comes up to Jeremy and Richard]

[on the recall of several Bentley models for wheel nuts that could come loose while the car's being driven]
Richard: Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!
Jeremy: No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."
Richard: Yes it would.
Jeremy': "... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."
Richard: What, when a wheel comes off?
Jeremy: And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car] sky road sky road ditch.
Richard: [pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.