Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons
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Season 18
[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]
Richard: In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
Richard: I'd forgotten how bad it was!
James: You have to start with "Hello".
Series 13
Richard: In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
Richard: I'd forgotten how bad it was!
James: You have to start with "Hello".
Series 13
[on the endurance race]
Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!
Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!
[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual]
James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".
James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".
[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this [opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily].
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this [opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily].
[on the fastest faith]
Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!
Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!
[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600, after finding out that the former owners of his Rolls-Royce Corniche are entertainers who are homosexual or camp, specifically Elton John, Liberace and Dick Emery]
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or camp commandant.
Jeremy: [he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or camp commandant.
Jeremy: [he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
[On the Ferrari F430 Scuderia]
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."
[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
Jeremy: What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
Richard: That's quite sad.
James: That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
Jeremy: What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
Richard: That's quite sad.
James: That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
[on the Fiat Panda]
James: Well, it is very small, just three and a half metres long, but more importantly, it's got really quite a lot of space in it. You could get a couple of full-size adults in the back here, or - more importantly - about half a dozen children. Now this is vital in your small Italian car, and all because of another of their great inventions: the Catholic Church.
James: Well, it is very small, just three and a half metres long, but more importantly, it's got really quite a lot of space in it. You could get a couple of full-size adults in the back here, or - more importantly - about half a dozen children. Now this is vital in your small Italian car, and all because of another of their great inventions: the Catholic Church.
[On the Ford Focus ST]
Jeremy: ROOOOO-NEEEEY!! (shouted out of the window of a bright orange Ford Focus ST, highlighting the typical chav nature of the driver he sees the car as being targeted at)
Jeremy: [On the power lap] It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note the Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, 'cause of course he's not a blithering idiot.
Jeremy: ROOOOO-NEEEEY!! (shouted out of the window of a bright orange Ford Focus ST, highlighting the typical chav nature of the driver he sees the car as being targeted at)
Jeremy: [On the power lap] It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note the Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, 'cause of course he's not a blithering idiot.
[on the French]
James: They are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning, work-shy peasants.
James: They are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning, work-shy peasants.
[on the GAZ Chaika]
Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!
Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!
[On the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
[on the high powered quad bike]
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!