[during the second tractor challenge]
Jeremy: Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!
Richard: Jeremy... the slowest wins.
Jeremy: Rubbish!

[escaping the redneck gas station]
Jeremy: I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]

[getting strapped into the dragster moments before his crash]
Richard: I don't wanna be upside down!

[having just made a grand entrance down a staircase, with fireworks and dancing girls]
Richard: That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!

[his first thought when the wheel of the jet car exploded]
Richard: Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!

[In a fish and chip shop, ordering a meal for his work crew]
Richard: Can I have cod-and-chips... seventy-five times?

[Jeremy and the others are passing into Alabama and notice bullet-holes in the sign]
Jeremy: They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?

[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]

[moments before his dragster crash]
Richard: When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.

[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.

[observing the approach of a storm]
Jeremy: In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"

[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]
James: The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

[on James' small Fiat Panda]
James: He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".

[on Richard's return]
Jeremy: Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?
Richard: No!
[the audience laughs]
Richard: I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?
James: I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.
Richard: That's all I've had for four months...
James: What? Tissues?
Richard: No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.
Jeremy: Are you the same person that you were before?
Richard: Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.
Jeremy: So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?
Richard: Yes...
James: And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?
Richard: Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.
Jeremy: I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.
Richard: Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

[on the Big Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!