[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars]
Richard: If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?
Jeremy: If I were a tall man?
Richard: Funny...Very funny...

[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]
Jeremy: Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...
Richard: No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!
Jeremy: He's alive!
Richard: He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[Just after he crashed his Volvo]
Jeremy: "Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[on crashing his £100 Audi]
James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!

[on the 1968 Dodge Charger's brakes]
Richard: (voiceover) But as for going from sixty to naught... Oh dearie me...
Richard: (nervously) I'm braking! (The car shows no sign of slowing.) Quite firmly! Fffff- (The car finally stops and Richard is visibly relieved) I was considering evasive then! Ha ha ha!

[On the BMW X3]
Jeremy: And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

[on the Chevrolet SSR]
Jeremy: You'd drive that, would you?
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: You live in Gloucestershire?
Richard: I do.
Jeremy: And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?
Richard: Not a purple one, obviously...

[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo]
Jeremy: Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!
James: I've been stopped by the Italian police.
Jeremy: What for?
James: I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.
Jeremy: It's a style thing is what you're saying.
Richard: What? Spoling the lines of the car?
James: He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG]
Jeremy: ...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: Dialling.
Jeremy: I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: The number please?
Jeremy: [quickly] 01785.
Mercedes Computer: 0785.
Jeremy: No, you missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: You missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: The number is deleted, please continue.
Jeremy: See what I mean?
Mercedes Computer: 202.
Jeremy: Where did that come from?
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: And so it goes on.

[On the new Mitsubishi Lancer and Subaru Impreza]
Richard: And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.

[on the Spyker C8]
Jeremy: Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

[on what it takes to become a minicabber]
James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]
Jeremy: ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

[sitting in a rented VW Golf in Germany, waiting to be struck by artificial lightning]
Richard: My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.