Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly.
Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."
Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!
Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example.
Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".

[accompanied by James playing the theme music on a Casio keyboard]
Richard: On tonight's cut-price Top Gear: A small plastic car that's actually quite economical; we take a seasonal Yuletide trip to, eh... Birmingham; oh, and we do have a supercar! Albeit a quite cheap one.

[advocating the Rover 75]
James: There's nothing raucous about its V6 engine. It rides more smoothly than a Rolls-Royce Corniche. And it's trimmed like a first-class cabin on the Titanic. Before it sank.

[After driving the pick-up down the steps]
Jeremy: [Voiceover] It damaged my spine quite badly, doing this. And then it set about damaging Bristol.

[after James's 5-series film]
Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
James: It is a superb-looking car.
Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
James: Rubbish.
[...]
James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
James: Right. So you're not having one of those.
Jeremy: No.
James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Jeremy: Uh, no.
James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
Jeremy: I might!
James: No you wouldn't.
Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't.
James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
Jeremy: No.
James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.

[after Jeremy bangs his head on the XPower SV's door frame during a hard maneuver]
Richard: I could watch that all day! Who'd like to see it in slow motion?

[after pausing the playback of his escape-from-a-sinking-car film]
Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.

[after Richard's sinking-car film, in which he needed the rescue diver's help to escape the car]
Jeremy: So did you die in the making of that film?
Richard: Well, yeah. I mean, if it was real, yes, I did.
Jeremy: And the thing is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model, 'cause that was the one that did come with the diver in the back seat with the aqualung.
Richard: Yeah. If it'd been an L, pfft. That would've been it, curtains.

[After the caravan drop]
Jeremy: [crawling in through the window] Lordy lord, I'm too old for this.
[...]
Jeremy: I honestly can't believe this; the steering is fine, the gearbox is fine, the low-range box is fine, the brakes are fine... Even the speedo's telling me we're doing thirty.

[after the end credits]
Simon: Can we just stop the competition now?
Jeremy: No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!

[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]
Richard: All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.
James: That was churlish.
Jeremy: Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!

[arguing that the Mazda RX-8 should be considered cool]
Richard: But you get to say "Wankel". That's cool! - On telly!

[at a tuner meeting]
Jeremy: This cruising thing. What's it about?
Young man: What's it about?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Young man: It's about flexing, man.
Jeremy: It's about what?
Young man: Flexing, like. Having a good time, you know.
Jeremy: Flexing?
Young man: Yeah, yeah.
[crowd of young people laughs at Jeremy's oldster incomprehension]
Jeremy: What the f--k are you on about? [appeals to the crowd] What is flexing?
Another young man: Flexing means winding, basically.
Jeremy: It means winding. I'm none the wiser! We're flexing, we're winding... Does anybody here speak English? Does anybody speak English here?
A third young man: Showing off.
Jeremy: Showing off! This man speaks English! [crowd applauds] Flexing and winding means showing off.

[At the grassy part of the test track]
Jeremy: The problem is, what can we do here that we haven't already tried? [The pick-up then drops behind Jeremy] Difficult one.

[back in the studio after the tuner film]
Jeremy: That makes me feel very sad, that.
James: Why?
Jeremy: Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant.
James: Mm. We did have cruising, though.
Jeremy: I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]